Monday’s Martial Madness: A No-Touch Thanksgiving Tutorial

It’s that time of year again. An overflow of food and relatives that can a person feel overstuffed physically, and emotionally.  The madness that overtakes us every year can be daunting, and perhaps make us shut down with all of the work that comes with adhering to tradition by preparing, and eating, massive amounts of food.  I’m here to help you overcome the plague of busyness by helping you develop you’re martial skills in the area of preparing the fearsome feast known as Thanksgiving.  Because training is life, and life is training.

I know what you’re thinking, all of the physical activity that comes with preparing an acceptable repast is daunting and you can’t possibly think of a way to get around this problem.  Well, my little protege, you have not heard of the power of No-touch martial arts.  Let’s say you go to a martial arts conference to see this dude who calls himself a master of whatever martial art he teaches and during this conference he brings up something called “no touch” skills that knocks an opponent down, or out cold.  He waves his hands around at his students and they magically fall down, or get knocked out.  You’ve just witnessed a no touch martial art.  I can hear you asking yourself, how will that help me with my preparations for Thanksgiving?  I’m so glad you asked because I am about to impart an ancient and little known technique for food preparation in a tutorial.  Skeptical? Read on my friends and see the power of the no touch Thanksgiving technique.

The first thing you must do in order to achieve greatness is to gather your chi, or ki, or whatever your art calls your energy and put it in your hands.  You’re going to need all you have to get that turkey prepped and roasted because that bird is heavy!  Once you’ve gathered you chi you must put the chi in your hands in the form of a ball.  We are going to roast that bird so you need all you can muster!  After you’ve used your palm techniques to move the stuffing into the bird’s cavity, use the energy ball to roast that bird.  If you have sufficient energy it should only need about 10 minutes to bring it to crispy perfection.  But don’t over do it!  You may end up with dry meat from over exposure to your awesome powers.  

The next item on your list is mashed potatoes.  Everyone loves mashed potatoes (except for some scary heathens who hate potatoes in general). Of course, you’re going to want to make sure they are well done before applying your knocking-people-over chi technique to mash those babies.  So, I suggest you take each potato and wave your fingers around them to scare the peels right off that tater.  Next, you use what’s left of the energy ball you created for the turkey to soften the potatoes.  Now, you’ll want to step back for this one, use your energy shove to squash the tater right into the bowl.  You’ll want to add butter and milk of course and you can do this by waving your hands over your fridge and levitating these items over to the bowl and carefully measuring them out for the perfect flavor.  Seems a bit crazy right? It’s not if you believe you’re master Yoda and can move spaceships out of the bog. Milk and butter seems like kid’s stuff compared to that Force move.

And finally, let’s talk about the mac and cheese.  We all know that overcooked noodles and lumpy tasteless cheese glop make that dish a gross encounter of the third kind.  This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of your technique.  If refinement is what you seek, you will need all of your energy centers tingling at this one.  The noodles need to be cooked with precision so I suggest a good, hard stare at the noodles.  You will want to emit microwave particles from your mind through your eyes.  If your eyes start to glow red, you should calm down a little, it’s best to keep a disciple near by in case of emergency.  Of course, we know that slapping a noodle against a wall is the best way to test the doneness of said noodles so a slight flick of your fingers with a small amount of energy ought to do it. Once you’ve done the tornado technique with the noodles and cheese to mix them, it’s time to get that creamy-crispy madness known as mac and cheese cooked. Levitate that mix right into a 9×13 pan, then move that pan right into your lap.  You’re going to need all of your chi for this one.  Set your energy centers on high for 5 minutes.

Now that you’ve mastered preparing these three dishes, you are ready to prepare the rest of the feast. Green bean casserole, stuffing, and sweet potato casserole will take only minutes each!

As always remember to breath and relax. We don’t need you passing out from effort!  As always thanks for joining us here at our dojo.  Enjoy your no touch feast!

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