Monday’s Martial Madness: Battle Group for the Martial Artist’s Soul (Because Chicken Soup for the MA’s Soul is Already Taken)

Hey? Where’s the token female??!!

If you’re a violence nerd (totally stole that from the Stick Chick), or a martial artist, it’s possible you’ve spent countless hours in the dead of night, or with your nerdy friends, creating battles between superheroes, long-dead martial arts masters, or the ultimate warrior groups to fight off evil in every form. Depending on which comics universe you support, you may get into…internecine fights. I’ve decide it’s time to settle this once and for all and create the ultimate fighting group ever, and forever…amen. This guide is meant to soothe your violent little soul, sort of like chicken soup does for the virus-ravaged.

As per the usual, I’ve developed this group solely based on information from the ultimate authority on all things life: the internet, because memes. Below are the only people you will need to have a successful battle group in your fantasy world, AND in real life.

Number One: The Fantasy Weapons Experts

Fighting Philosophy: If I’m gonna go out, it might as well be in a blaze of gory.

Every battle group NEEDS a weapons nerd. I mean, who else will be able to MacGyver a bomb out of mac-n-cheese and the conveniently-in-my-pocket bomb charge to take out the enemy. Aside from his/her proficiency in bomb-making the preeminent FWE will also know every spec of every blade, gun, and trebuchet ever made and how to use it correctly in every situation ever. Amen.

Number Two: The Batman Aficionado

Cheer up Sad Batman, we got work to do.

The most pressing question in the universe is What Would Batman Do? I mean, have you seen that guy’s stuff? He’s got the Batmobile, the Batarang, the Bat Shark Repellant, and probably somewhere in the Bat Cave he’s got some Bat Coffee (locally grown and sourced in some guano near you). The Batman Aficionado is batshit-crazy enough about The Batman to know everything that Batman would do in every situation, ever, and which tech he’d use. You can tell who the TBA is by how many Bat Symbols they have on their stuff. This is the guy our battle group turns to when we need a slightly less-than-conventional way out of the deadlock we got ourselves into with our enemies. After all, WHAT WOULD BATMAN DO??!!

Number Three: The Token Female

…and they look a little too happy about it.

No battle group is complete without The Token Female. She’s the badassiest of the group and ready to make the enemy’s knees wobble from both her beauty and her implicit martial skills that will rip your head off as she does some fancy whoop-de-do takedowns. The TTF, of course, has weapons hidden in places one would never think to look and will tear you a new hole with a well-placed blade that her martial arts mentor/dad gave her as he lay dying somewhere in the heart of Asia, or Duluth, MN. She’s the one you want when you need some feminine wiles to get close to the enemy, cuz most dudes don’t do wiles very well.

Number Four: The Kung Fu Dude/Dudette

In fact, I’m the Kung Fu-iest of them all!

The Kung Fu Dude/Dudette, aside from learning the Dim Mak (a.k.a. The Death Touch for you noobs) in the cloud-top mountains of China, knows all of the ancient Chinese secrets of fighting. He/She knows all the possible ways of striking, paralyzing, and water torturing the enemy. He/she is often a bit…ill-humored from all those years of cranky kung fu masters making him/her do splits on mountain tops and staring at a single drop of water searching for “truth.” The KFD/D may be cantankerous, but you really want them around when his/her animalistic instincts and monologuing skills are needed.

Number Five: The Matrixer

And 25 other dangerous, non-existing words.

Need a way out of an impossible situation? Need some rad tech to distract, dissolve, or otherwise obliterate the enemy? The Matrixer is your weirdo. An expert in all things tech, The TM knows how to hook up to any matrix of any kind, anywhere, ever. Need to take a trip through the phone matrix? No problem. Need to take down the, um, electric matrix, erm, I mean grid? He’s gotcha covered. He look like he’s waving his hands around and just bending over backwards to fix stuff, so no one’s really sure what he’s doing any given moment, but this weirdo is so tech savvy hardly any one ever understands what he’s saying, or doing, and just grins-n-nods and tells him, “Yeah, sure, do that.”

Number Six: The Groundsman

Choke outs to the enemy!

The Groundsman is the person to turn to when things head south. As we all know, almost all fights end up on the ground, and if you don’t know how to submit your enemy, then you’re tribute to the resident trolls. The GM knows every which way to turn someone into a pretzel. Got an enemy with too many legs? The Groundsman is your guru. He can tie knots in giant spiders, krakens, and, his worst nightmare, everybody who doesn’t train in grappling.

Number Seven: The Ninja

Just Judy Chop It!

Last, but not least, every team needs The Ninja. His skills and job are the most important in the group. Aside from climbing to great heights and staring at things, hiding, and appearing out of nowhere, The Ninja’s main job is to put “ninja” into every communique with the enemy. Using the word “ninja” in communications lets the enemy know they are about to die, so they might as well give up now. If “I’m gonna go all ninja on your *bleep*” doesn’t make the enemy run in fear, I don’t know what will do it.

or, This Gal 🤜🏻💥🤛🏻

There you have it folks! Get out there and form your battle group today and go win some battles!

P.S. Who would YOU add to this group? Leave your response in the comments.


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