Woe to America! The government’s done it again: they’ve taken our precious sleep right out from under us! Unless you live in Arizona, or some obscure parts of the mid-West, they’re A-ok all snug in their hoity-toity god-like smarty pants beds snoring while the rest of us suffer. I think most Americans agree by now that this here DST is getting down right annoying. 90% percent of us don’t farm, or whatever, and don’t really care about when the sun rises, or sets. We only care that it keeps on keepin’ on, because ARMAGEDDON.
I’ve decided it’s time to come up with a manage to way the jet-lag like symptoms we all feel as we harrumph our way through this week. Of course, I’m going to relay this new WAY in the style of the martial arts, and especially with the most famous move of all, the Karate Chop.
Karate Chop One: Make a Ruckus
That’s right folks, complaining loudly for all to hear will increase your listener’s springtime cheer! Because going calmly going about your day, taking naps, or going to bed a bit sooner is too…serene, which will make you sleepier. Not gonna work folks. The following tactics are as effective as a karate chop to the head:
- Slamming doors.
- Kicking tires.
- Throwing rocks at the birds outside as they sing Spring into the neighborhood.
- Glaring at your dog as he wakes you up at the “new” 5 am.
- Giving the death stare to your coffee maker so it will spontaneously burst into shrill coffee making.
Karate Chop Two: Over Caffein-ate
Giving yourself the jitters is top priority this week. How else can you stay awake during the day when your Circadian Rhythm is tap dancing to the alternative jazz of sleep deprivation? That’s right, over caffein-ate (hyphenated because apparently “caffeinate” is not a verb.) yourself with the beverage of your dreams. Here are a few suggestions to get you going:
- Energy Shots, and Espresso.
- Energy Drinks, and Espresso.
- Caffeinated Soda, and, you got it, Espresso.
- Espresso, and, uh, uh, Espresso?
- Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans, and Espresso.
- 64 oz of Coffee in a Trucker Mug, and Espresso.
Karate Chop Three: Use Pain.
Nothing else wakes a person up more than suddenly feeling intense pain. Stubbing toes, slamming fingers in doors, or bumping your head on the cabinets will pop those baby blues (or whatevers) right open. Below is a list of possible set-ups to ensure maximum pain:
- Cover the floor with those little plastic devil bricks.
- Put tacks in the soles of your shoes, pointy side up.
- Turn up the water heater to maximum burn.
- Tie dangling golf balls to your ceiling fan, and leave on.
- Wear stilettos to guarantee tripping and falling.
That’s all for today! You’re now equipped to get through this week. Have fun and stay awake!
Other memes I found:
Or both, maybe? 
Okay, I made this one. 
OOOOOOOooooo, stop it, you’re scaaaaaarrring me. 
AaaaaaWWWwwwwwah! 
Gon now! 
“If” she can, that is… 
Because I can’t I don’t know how to internet that info. 
Yeah?!
The Modern Kunoichi 
Alas, Cher, you can only turn back time in the fall… meanwhile, I’m gonna use these Karate chop methods (ok, except the pain one. And if I even look at espresso I get unbearably obnoxious).
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