Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Conquer Your Enemy with Niceness

Today’s world is full of mean people. I get on the internet, step out the door, or look to the left (or sometimes right) and WHAM-O! Mean people everywhere! I suppose their madness comes from a desire to change the universe, or something, and shouting as loudly as possible, threatening death and dismemberment, and generally being a donkey’s hind end is the way to do it.

Or IS IT…?

Rudeness, meanness, and other -nesses really don’t change people by my experience. Rather, I just see more mean people being produced as if there were some kind of zombie-like meanness disease going around. Do we really need more? Nope, we need to shut them down. I propose an entirely new approach: BEING NICE. I intend to show you how to conquer your enemies with NICENESS. That’s right folks, it’s time for another morally ambiguous guide to living life in the 2010’s.

I give you, The Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Killing with Kindness, er, Niceness.

Tactic 1: Drain of Them of Their Soul

Vampiric soul-sucking is achieved by dropping the niceness on your enemy when they least expect it. Find something they need and give it to them without being asked. Then before the enemy has a chance to question the meaning of this gift, a swift judo chop of love to the heart will completely disarm them. That’s right, give them a hug, or smile with a pat on the head. They’ll be so completely flabbergasted they’ll hand over their first born, or for lack of a child, their Klondike Bar, which is like their soul, but more delicious. Whatever the booty, you’ve won.

Tactic 2: Do the Exact Opposite of Everything They Do

Don’t take Tactic 2 to be some twisted, pansy-bottomed form of flattery. NO, no, no my friend. This little gem of a plot twist will render your enemy SPEECHLESS in the presence of unadulterated brilliance. If Personal Enemy Numero Uno is cranky in the morning and glares at you with all the death wishes they can muster, wish them a cheerful “Happy morning to ya’!!” Or, better yet, get them a cookie and some coffee. They’ll be so debilitated by your sheer niceness they’ll just lay on the floor and let you walk all over them. Which is great if you follow Tactic 2 with Tactic 1. You’ll have a better shot at reaching their belly button where their soul plug is located.

Tactic 3: Remind Them of Your Martial Skills

Tactic 3 is more of a stealth technique, sometimes known as misdirection. Magicians, doctors (Look over there! *stabs kid with needle*), and ninja use misdirection as the chief weapon of mass distraction. When one needs to burst their foe with benevolence, you can always remind them of what you haven’t done to them. If some barbarian comes at you with questions of why you’re being such an ass, turn the tables on them by asking them a question like, “But, did I karate chop you in the knees?” They’ll be so befuddled, first by the fact that you even know what a karate chop is and where to deploy said martial skill, and next by how nice you’re actually being to them by not using it, they’ll walk away from you marveling at the sheer niceness of you NOT maiming their body.

I guarantee your victory these three tactics, that show your annihilating politeness proficiency, will bring your foes to their knees in an utter trouncing.

Best wishes to you!

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