Monday’s Martial Madness: The Easter Bunny is Really a Ninja Master, or You Didn’t Know That the Easter Bunny Can Kill You Before You Know He’s There?

Well, that doesn’t bode well for humanity…

Spring has sprung, and all the colors of the rainbow are spewing joy and dancing on the landscape. Most people believe that Spring is a time of celebrating newness and life that comes with rain and sunny skies. Which means, Easter is right around the corner. Many mommies and daddies are already regaling their children with promises of candy and toys left by that wanton, and dangerous creature known as the Easter Bunny.

Oh, you DIDN’T know he’s dangerous?

That’s okay friend, because I’m here to save you from the terror of the Easter Bunny by teaching you his secrets.

I present to you:

The Modern Kunoichi’s 3-Step Guide to Spotting a Ninja Master

A “unconfirmed” sighting of the Easter Bunny in his true form.

To start with, we all know from the indoctrination of the 80’s (cleverly disguised as “ninja” movies) that ninja are hard to see coming, fearless, acrobatic, and really good at using distraction to fight or escape. The best of the ninja are practically invisible in their deadly art. We may joke about never “seeing” the ninja that are nearby, but we all feel that constant dread of being shuriken-ed in the head, or stabbed with a ninjato (short, straight katana ubiquitously on the sneaking ninja’s back).

You’re dead.

As early as 2012, the Easter Bunny was spotted in the clandestine documentary (covering as a “children’s film” Rise of the Guardians) as 6-foot tall and dressed as a warrior. For decades the ninja have been misdirecting our attention with sleeper agents dressed in Easter bunny costumes. Of course, their goal being to distract us from the facts and cover for the deadly dealings of the Master Bunny, who’s really a Master Ninja. Didn’t see that coming, didja?

Found in the Easter Bunny’s Cave of Power.

To start with, most ninja have a covert mission. Like, gather information, poison so-and-so samurai lord mucky-muck, or generally be creepy (or was that creep around?). The Easter Bunny’s main mission is to creep out small children and bilk their parents out of money for the privilege. As a side mission, and a personal vendetta, the Easter Bunny Ninja Master (EBNM) also hides things that these same children can’t find, like brightly-colored chicken ovum, unicorn poop vaguely shaped like baby chickens, and half-eaten chocolate icons of himself.

More proof of the EBNM’s existence as a terror to mankind.

Second, ninja wear some kind of disguise to blend in. In the case of the EBNM, all of those seconds running around in disguise helps him blend in and do his dastardly deeds. How else would he get away with murdering a bowl full of jelly beans in between terror-inducing placements of fake, chocolate-y eggs filled with look-alike albumen and yolk.

An early photo of a sleeper agent fooling parents and small children alike.

And lastly, as any good ninja master knows he is only as good as his escaping skills. Hand-to-hand combat, acrobatics, climbing walls are part and parcel of the ninja master’s skills. Have you seen the legs on a rabbit? It goes without saying that rabbits got skillz when it comes to jumping and kicking. Add 5.5 feet and weapons, and you got one deadly, candy-assed assassin.

I advise you, parents, to take my advice seriously and lock your doors this Easter holiday. Keep the EBNM out of your life for the good of humanity.

Stay safe folks, and Hoppy, er, I mean Happy Easter!

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