Monday’s Martial Madness: (Don’t Wanna Ninj) All by Myself- A song parody collaboration with Foo Foo Head.

In the age of COVID, many a ninja finds themselves practicing all alone at home. Ninj-ing (a new verb for the Oxford Dictionary) is no fun when there’s no one to ninj on. We NEED each other. One lonely ninja, the dear and lovely Foo Foo Head poured out her heart’s cry for someone to ninj with one October day when she, our friend and sister Bun Bun-chan, and myself (a.k.a. Weirdo) were chatting on the FB messenger. I filled in a couple of verses, and Voilà! We have a song for the ages. We’ve provided the sound track below to help you sing this out for yourself.

Verse 1
When I was young, 
I never shuto’d anyone
And kamae was just for fun
Those days are gone

Verse 2
Kicking alone
I think of all the friends I've thrown
But when I seoi nage alone
Inside my home

Chorus
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore

Verse 3
Hard to be sure
A little sparring won't secure
And give the ribs a new contour
There's no allure
 
(Guitar Solo)

Chorus
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore

(Very Looooong Orchestral Interlude)

Verse 4
Now that I’m old
Ya know I just can’t be so bold
Omote kote lost its hold
Because you’re gone!

Chorus
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna ninj, all by myself, anymore
For the love of all things ninj, get this guy a training partner!

Monday’s Martial Madness: Fortune Cookie Wisdom

It’s that time again boys and girls for that magical, mystical ride into the untold wisdom of the Cookie of Fortune. Not to be confused with the Wheel of Fortune of course. You can eat a cookie, but a wheel won’t work out for you because a rolling wheel will gather no floss…or something. Let’s see what the Magical Cookie Makers have to say below…

Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: Fortune Cookie Wisdom”

Letters to a White Belt: Failure is Your Friend.

Dear White Belt (WB):

I’ve decided it’s important to delve into the topic of failure. You see, failure is a key component of martial arts training. I want you to allow yourself to fail, and not feel bad about it. As is with most martial arts training, there is nuance in the term failure many don’t understand. As you walk into the dojo today, I want you to take this tidbit with you and consider it as you fall and stumble your way through training today. Let’s start with the actual definition of failure, shall we?

failure

feyl-yer ]

noun
  • an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
  • nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
  • a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
  • deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
  • a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
  • a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.

Sounds pretty grim. Why, dear WB, would anyone want to fail, let alone be friends with failure?

I’m so glad you asked.

There’s a Japanese proverb used frequently in the martial arts: Fall down seven, stand up eight. While this seems mathematically impossible (like, if you fall down seven, don’t you stand up seven???), it does speak to the concept of failure and resilience. The kanji for the saying is 七転び八起き (Nana korobi ya oki) and is transliterated as “seven falling down eight get up.” There’s some disagreement on what the transliteration and kanji mean, suffice to say, the proverb is speaking to not giving up.

Failure as a concept is feared and dreaded by many. People go to great lengths to avoid failure. Some will do anything to succeed, even when dishonesty gets them there. Some will avoid anything that smells of the possibility of failure, not wanting to look foolish. Perfection, the unobtainable goal of many leads many down the path to destruction. Popular memes constantly talk about failure as an abstract, something to be conquered. We must FIGHT! and keep climbing that proverbial mountain for the prize at the top. Which is presumably attaining a goal. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to sucker punch Failure in the face?

Failure as your friend seems odd. White Belt, you might ask why would I expose myself to ridicule and negativity? Isn’t failure like a slime mold, content to keep mucking up the works? That depends. I like to say that perception is key. How your brain filters incoming data about a thing, processes it, then spits out options for action determines whether something is good or bad, not how the thing itself behaves. We can see this difference in people who’ve been stung by bees that are now deathly afraid of any flying thing with black and yellow stripes, and beekeepers. Bees are doing what bees do. They aren’t capable of malice (no matter what the movies say) and cannot plot one’s doom. Beekeepers will mess with their hives, nonplussed about being contact with the bees. Years of experience and knowledge guiding their hands and actions. The others? Definitely freaking out. What if you’re allergic?? Bees are a mortal enemy. The circumstances determine how one thinks about bees.

Let’s ride this wave into the martial arts WB. As per the definition above, failure is the instance of something failing or proving unsuccessful. How does on fail in training? Let me count the ways:

  • Not completing kata
  • Falling down to soon, or not soon enough
  • Punching your training partner in the face
  • Dropping your weapon mid-strike
  • Smacking your hands
  • Smacking your partners hands
  • Missing the target
  • Failing a test
  • Failing to rank
  • Doing the opposite of what Sensei says
  • Forgetting your manners
  • Forgetting to kiai (my specialty)
  • Never coming back

I could go on. But, I’ll move on to proving my point, White Belt, so you can go back to your day.

All but one on the above list are kinds of failure, in a moment of weakness, but aren’t ultimate failure. The only true failure in that list is stopping. Prodigies are rare, and even they have to practice their inherent talents and gifts to polish up their technique. The rest of us don’t have the luxury of inborn skills we can fully rely on, we have to work at it. So what is work in the martial arts, and how is success won? It’s learning and practicing, WB. Practicing being the key element in this success formula. If we were computers and were coded correctly, we’d do everything perfectly from our programming on the first go. But, we aren’t computers, so we rely on our neurology to help us our learn and get better. Practicing something sets us up for growing new, or connected related, neural pathways in our brains. The amount times something is repeated reinforces, then stores as memories, our “programming.” If it truly takes 10,000 repetitions to fully automatize a technique in our brains, then practice is how we get there.

WB, You may have noticed that in the beginning, a new technique is awkward. We miss the target, we step the wrong way, forget to put our hips into it, or whatever the techniques requires for full strength. Or maybe, the new technique runs counter to what was previously learned. Many people experience this when asked to do the movement on the other side of the body. After learning that whole thing on the right side, doing it on the left side is like starting over. Repeat efforts to obtain the movement instinctively starts to smooth out the flow of the body. Your brain is signaling your muscles (some call this “muscle memory”) again and again to move on a certain path. As time marches across the Eternal Mats, you stumble less and move effortlessly. You can’t get there if you don’t allow yourself to fail hundreds of times during the transitions through Shuhari (a discussion for another day, but here is a link if you want to read about it). It’s nearly impossible to complete the journey without failure as the key component. Because that is a universal truth, a wise person befriends that which causes stumbling when viewed as an enemy. Getting chummy with failure means you will allow yourself to ebb and flow with the tides of hard-earned sweat. Attempting to stand against the waves will bring you down.

I hope you find the pearls of wisdom here White Belt, and apply them to your training, and your life.

Your Friend,

Monday’s Martial Madness: In the Wee Wee Hours of the Night.

Ninja Night PNO | Kang's Black Belt Academy
Who doesn’t want to look this cool?

As we all know, ninja are most likely to be found in dark corners, on rooftops, and dressed as the occasional Buddhist priest, because hiding in plain sight. Ninja are well-known for being prepared for every possible obstacle. Throwing stars, climbing rope, lunchboxes, and concealed cobras are part of the shinobi toolkit. Crawling in walls, tiptoeing in homes, and grabbing pizzas from manholes are part of savvy ninja shimmies in wee hours of the night. What we don’t know is how clandestine shinobi “use the facilities” in the middle of a mission. When the traipsing over rooftops, surely the masters of deflection feel the incidental urge to use the “Little Ninjas Room.”

Did I Mention I Waste Too Much Time At Work?: Bathroom Ninja Is Watching  You Doinging Things He Shouldn't Be Watching.
A ninja looking for a place to piddle.

One would think shinobi have this covered, being procurers of dirt, tip-offs, and hot tips its essential to have all bases covered, especially the evacuation of the pee. But, how can a shinobi casually walk into a public restroom and not draw suspicion you ask? Wouldn’t the above-average sneakster need a room-‘o-rest now and again? Or, do they have bladders of iron as part of their kit?

Cute Ninja Shower Curtain | Zazzle.com
The ninja sees all…

When embarking on another errand for their employer, ninja are challenged to find whizz pots along the way. If one watches carefully in the night, you might find a ninja piddling in a port-a-potty, spending a penny in the subway (apparently this is British slang for peeing), wee-weeing on the flora, or tinkling in your powder room. Because, a ninja got to do what a ninja got to do.

Amateur Ninja on Twitter: "@mashable What a great story! I'd love a little ninja  sneaking around the house. Congrats ladies."
What? We don’t ALWAYS wipe with a sword.

Next time you’re out and about make sure to take the time to look for your friendly neighborhood ninja in your local latrine. They like their privacy, so don’t bother with any selfies, because, it might just be your last time to take a leak.

A Ninja Slashing His Sword and An Apartment Bathroom Background – Clipart  Cartoons By VectorToons
Sword fights in the bathroom? I’m in!

Monday’s Martial Madness: Discount Chuck Norris and Other Rebate Martial Art Tropes.

We Ninja loooooove a terrible 80’s martial arts movie, especially ones involving mullets and cheesy one liners. Last night we had the dubious pleasure of witnessing one such movie: Gymkata. Sake and IPA’s might have been present to numb the senses to the over-achieving sensibilities of Kurt Thomas and a rather scurrilous cast of characters.

Image result for Gymkata zamir
When HI-YA takes on new meaning.

Our high-flying hero, Jonathan Cabot, is recruited by…somebody, to do…something. Okay the plots not clear, or I had had enough sake by then to not really care. Anyway, our gymnast hero gets trained by a Japanese dude who likes swinging kama at his crotch blindfolded, a selectively mute “Princess of Parmistan,” and some random “karate” expert who tosses out cliches like ninja stars thrown by the blind. This crazy quilt of training montages results in what appears to be some fusion of gymnastics, ninja stuff, knife work, and karate…? I guess the title of the movies sums up this new art fairly simply.

Take me seriously, or I’ll throw my falcon at your pointy head.

Several key things stuck out to me about this movie: the conveniently placed gym equipment, a discount Chuck Norris, the love interest and of course, the inevitable Ninja.

That face you make when you realize your kata sucks and it won’t “work” in the street.

When one knows gymkata and finds themselves running through the Middle Eastern equivalent of zombie land, its helpful when useful and familiar gymnastics equipment suddenly appears. Those flying feet of death need the force generated by gravity defying leg circles, moores, spindles, and flairs. How convenient then that our hero just so happened to find a pommel horse when the local crazies where closing in, or one half of the uneven bars randomly attached to a couple of walls.

The Princess of Parmistan is Jonathan’s love interest. It seems inevitable from the get-go that these two crazy kids ought to end up together, but there’s too many mullets, cheese, and political tension in the way. Somehow, with nary a word in the first act, Rubali, the princess, conveys her sexual tension by pulling knives on Jonathan fairly regularly. She wants him bad, but she’s not going to say that. He has to figure it out with wide-eyed stares and the occasional flicks of a switchblade. But she’s supposed to marry her dad’s right-hand man, because that what was in the script. Being the princess of her dad’s cheese empire means she has to do what he says, and dammit, he’s gonna make her marry that mullet-headed discount Chuck Norris whether she likes it or not.

The producers really wanted that effervescent know-it-all and badass of the universe Chuck Norris to play the bad guy, but as luck would have it he was too busy proving his immortality on the internet by pointing big guns at his own bad guys. So, instead of ‘Ol Chucky we get this guy:

Discount Chuck Norris with the culmination of all 80’s hair tropes: mullet, rat tail, wings, and poof.

Zamir somehow manages to be on the kahn’s (intentional misspelling) good side, and Rubali’s bad side, AT THE SAME TIME. It’s as if the sexual confusion of his wardrobe and hairstyle choices convey ambiguity, or something. Is he good? Is he bad? Who knows, or cares? Given the discounted nature of this fellow’s acting skills, we ninja feel he is rightly dubbed Nuck Chorris.

Thanks to the ninja boom of the 80’s they tend show up in every martial arts flick from that era. But one has to wonder what these guys were doing in Parmistan, and why they look the Foot Clan? Was it Nuck Chorris’ fault? Did he extend his confusion to his soldiers, or were they white belts undergoing a hazing by their seniors? It’s kinda hard to tell what’s really going on under their masks, but we’re thankful they were standing there with their flags, pointing the way for our hero.

When it comes to films, the goings on of Parmistan is a highly marked-down wheel of cheese. With the help of his metaphysically superhuman aptitude, and some depreciated citizens of the Cheese Cartel, this movie will drive you to drink, especially since this was apparently the point?

Uh, thanks, I guess?