Monday’s Martial Madness: Miss Me?? Or, How Slowly Do Mole Asses Move Anyway?

Well, I’m back….

I’m Dai Senpai (大先輩 for the uninitiated dai senpai simply means Big Senior) now. I passed all tests required before shodan and now I’m in the hold-onto-your-gi-pants-cuz-its-getting-crazy-up-in-here pattern until February. What does being dai senpai get me? More responsibilities, like the kind where herding cats seems like a dream job. Seriously though, I’m doing my best to lead people into their best selves but sometimes the process moves like molasses, or is it mole asses? My friend texted me this morning and said they (her and her family) were moving like mole asses (Autocorrect? Or did she TYPE ass…hmmm…) trying to get out the door to the gym. And I’m like, how slow do mole asses move? She never answered. BUT, it’s an idea worth exploring, because LOOK AT THAT MOLE BUTT.

It’s a hiney and I wants to pinch it Precious….

I’m getting my first tastes of teaching because I’m headed toward sensei territory and guess what, more responsibility awaits. I’m pretty sure my sensei is throwing me into the deep end of the instructor pool, but it’s kinda hard to tell what with these messy swim goggles and all that splashing I’m doing in my tiny, half-dead water wings. I mean, he’s the kind of guy who gives bruises for free then says “You’re welcome” when you complain about it, but I digress (Uh-oh, a song parody of Money for Nothing is lurching around in my brain. Maybe next blog post, heh heh). Figuring out my role, duties, and authority is going a lot like I imagine mole asses go when the front end is busy digging tunnels– a jarring, muddy ride full of long-dead bug carcasses pushing up daisies.

The little bastard doesn’t know when to quit–dragging his ass around in the mud and all.

But it’s good for me, right? After all, the shortest path to trial-by-fire learning is paved on the road of the do-or-die method of teaching. Remarkably, here I stand in the center of the volcano, pretty sure my underpants are on fire and the pool noodle of justice is headed my way (No, we’re not THAT sadistic. We gently whack each other in the name of NOT making knuckle-headed moves), but feeling determined to give it my best, despite the rambunctious moles and their yucky ass-dragging-ness.

Bring it volcano!

Truly, I appreciate flailing around in the dark like a blind guy at the disco, because getting my mole-asses butt headed in the right direction is bit like corralling bulls bent on shopping for china ware. Because I’m THICK-headed. Thick like the fur on a mole ass. I can be pretty slow on picking up details, clues, and the occasional direct command. Butt, I try, oh, how I try. I guess that’s what got me here in the first place. Being bullheaded has its place in the martial arts. Dogged determination to see the training through to the next level is what makes a decent person decent-er. Even if getting there flows like mole asses.

The after pic of the tests that got into this dai senpai mess…ignore the hair.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: My Life, in Jigsaw Puzzle Pieces Accidentally Tossed on the Floor by a Madcap Martial Artist

I missed last week because time passed quickly Monday, and there just wasn’t time to get into silly mode. As this Monday approached, I started to dreading finding time to be silly again. Being silly is one of my favorite things, writing hasn’t always been a favorite for me. However, having a handful of people who enjoy my silly writing makes it worthwhile, hence making the time to write. BUT (and this is a big but) life is now hectic because of several factors. It’s like an already-assembled jigsaw puzzle a martial artist accidentally kicked on the floor when they went down trying get that bottle cap. So many pieces have been tossed about and I’m attempting to settle into my new reality.

It does take me a little longer than most people to get used to new routines, I remain an undiagnosed female with Asperger’s Syndrome (How can I know if I’m not diagnosed? That’s a question for another day) which means I takes me at least 2 months to get used to changes, sometimes longer. There are lots of good things happening and one key to reducing stress and anxiety for myself is putting on hold things that are lower down on the priority list. I’m gonna take a moment and list my priorities for you in case you’re wondering “What the heck??” If you’re interested in my reasons for taking a break, read on my friend, otherwise, see you later excuse hater. These are not in any particular order. Rather, they’re like a 10-ring circus in my head right now, all featuring some whacked version of reality at once.

  • Living. This one is key to all the other ones below. No life-y, no list-y. Capiche?
  • Drinking coffee. I’m pretty useless without coffee in the morning. Like don’t-know-what-day-it-is useless.
  • Breathing. Breathing is essential to life. I occasionally hold my breath and forget to breath normally. Which leads me to my next reason…
  • Spiritual life. Keeping that healthy, growing, and fruitful is essential to the rest of the stuff I have to deal with.
  • Trauma recovery. I am knee-deep in my latest bout of PTSD recovery and am in therapy. Thankfully I have a wonderful therapist who knows of a kind of recovery tool called EMDR (look it up) for flashbacks, and PTSD.
  • Depression, panic, and anxiety management. I’m on some good meds to keep me from losing it. Its a good regimen, but my sleep is whacked, I still have bad days, and constantly fluctuating moods and emotions. It’s like being a roller coaster where the tracks look familiar but keep changing position.
  • Exercising. I am a fitness nut. I work out a lot, usually 6 times a week (that includes training) plus teaching self-defense.
  • Oh, yeah, I’ve started a new business with my best friend and my sister. Talk about dealing with moodiness. Change is good, but dang if doesn’t come with a side of WTH?!?! I love it, but is stressful. Lots of meetings and talking, and other stuff that needs doing.
  • Napping. I take naps almost every day. I keep trying to fool myself into believing I don’t need one. All that exercising of my body, and my mind, keeps me tired.
  • Taking care of the family. My husband works constantly, my son is an Asperger’s child, and my sister, who lives with us, works full-time. I am the only adult not working a full-time job. So, it’s up to me to keep order.
  • Taking mental health breaks from everything. Which usually looks like hiding in my room while Brooklyn 99, or some Murder and Mayhem show is playing while I eat snacks and do my nails. Or sleep.
  • And, finally, my favorite thing keeping me busy is training in Ninpo. I have a goal to test for my black belt in February. I have 2 more tests to do to be at the correct level for testing in shodan. There is a lot of work to do between now and February. So many things to memorize, practice, drill, and etc to get me ready.

Hope to be back soon, bringing some silliness your way! Oh, uh, speaking of naps, zzzzzzzzzzzzz…..😴

Monday’s Martial Madness: You Might be a Martial Artist If…

The desire to practice a martial art is a bit like a madness that takes over your entire being. Your soul starts to burn for more horse stance while your body and mind agree that that your soul needs a chill pill. However, not all the signs of this kind of lunacy are quite so obvious and one might wonder if they have taken the red pill, instead of the blue.

“Remember, all I’m offering is the truth, nothing more… Heh, heh, heh.”
Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: You Might be a Martial Artist If…”

Monday’s Martial Madness: 3 Things Martial Artists Say, and What They Mean

Special groups often have lingo that only the members know. Shorthand, code, and special terms are flung around like shuriken (aka throwing stars for you non-ninjers). So, in the company of martial arts groups you might hear a few things that require interpretation.

And other stuff Sensei says…
Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: 3 Things Martial Artists Say, and What They Mean”

Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Treat Your Uke Right

TORIS OF THE WORLD!! Taking care of your uke right after hitting, twisting, slamming, punching, kicking, slapping, throwing, and otherwise giving them the slightly more evil version of chiropractic care is essential for their long-term viability. No worries average citizen, we weirdos do this for fuuuuuuuuuun to each other. Nothing shows a great time in the dojo like some sore knuckles, wrists, and a handful of new bruises.

Because if you don’t love your uke, who will?
Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Treat Your Uke Right”

Monday’s Martial Madness: A Christmas Story: Martial Arts Edition. Or, “You’ll Poke Your Eye Out With That!”

Okay, change that discussion to “A fully customized iaito, or shinken?” And you’ve got yourself a martial artist’s rationalization for their weapons habit.

Lately, I’ve been acquiring weapons like the local Cat Lady acquires felines. I have a good reason, I’m going to start teaching women’s self-defense soon and need good recommendations for useful weapons. Of course, I also realized my personal arsenal was a bit, um, puny and I needed to up my flexing game with more wood and metal clout. Or maybe I’ve developed that disease that martial artists get once they become serious about their art: ArmamentilepsyThe disease that causes an overwhelming desire for the possession of weapons that leaves you broke, but slobbering in anticipation of the UPS truck. Whatever the case, Mama’s got some new toys (rubs hands in glee with a ridiculous and slightly scary grin).

My current weapons cache, it’s grown by half the past few weeks.
What?? 😙🎶

I recently acquired from a wholesale company, a slapjack (or some call it a beaver tail), a black jack, and a telescoping baton. I was showing my new toys to my husband, and, as he handled the baton, he said, “Be careful, or you’ll poke your eye out with that!” He hates “A Christmas Story,” but I LOVE it. And of course, he would never deliberately quote a movie he hates, but he said it, and now he’s stuck with it, and so are you.

Welcome to the Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Weapons Handling.

Just, just, STAHP IT!!
*This is an older meme, but it checks out*

We all know that as soon as one gets a new sword, one should immediately whack things with it. And, if you and your buddy both get swords, then, by golly, get out there and have a sword battle. Get a new knife? Stab as much stuff as you can, but don’t let your mom see it or she’ll tanny your fanny.

Well don’t just stand there! Whack stuff with that axe and sword you Backyard Viking! Oooooooooooops.
Poor bystander 😑.

But, we have to keep it safe guys and know how to handle these weapons or else you might be this guy…

If you can’t beat ’em…coagulate? Then pummel them?

Tip #1: If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It.

What in the 4chan is this monstrosity? Also, cool, cool, cool.

When you get that Highlander replica katana, or, that war hammer you’ve slobbered on your keyboard over finally arrives and gosh-darn-it, after you excitedly rip open that Amazon packaging you find that the edges on said weapons are as dull as Grandma’s butter knives. Time to get out the sharpening stones? Or, no? Chances are, if yourself in the ER getting shrapnel picked out of your hiney, it’s a no-go.

🎶You don’t need no sharpened blades now. Do, do, do, do, do…do, do, do, do, do. Hey! Reader! Leave those blades alone! 🎶

Tip #2: If it Moves, Hit Yourself in the Head With It…Or, NOT.

Look, if Paul Bunyan can carry around a giant wood axe and not maim Babe the Blue Ox, and if Moses can carry a big stick without tripping every last Israelite, you can secure your weapon too. That especially goes for all you non-chuckers. Just cause it has a rope-de-do in the middle doesn’t mean you have to swing it, and hit yourself in the head. SECURE THAT WEAPON (i.e. Put it back on the wall where it belongs. And for Lee’s sake, get some lessons you chucker-head!).

Nunchaku! Nunchaku! Rah! Rah! Rah! Now stop it!

Tip #3: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean…AW! What the Hell, Bonehead?

3 full minutes of gun fails. You’re welcome.
*No humans were killed, maimed, or had sense knocked into them during the making of this video. Although, my head nearly exploded from the resounding “NO! DON’T DO IT!” moments*

“Just put the gun down and back away from it. That’s it, put it on the ground nice and slow. Easy now, eeeeaaaaassssy. Yep, now back away. 10 paces please. Alright, stop right there. Can somebody get Bonehead here a towel, and some ice? You know what, better get that branding steel and torch too, we gotta gusher! Hey Fred! Fred! Get over here and secure that weapon right now! I mean it Fred! And don’t let Bonehead near it again! I blame you Fred! I. Blame. You.”

Somehow they avoided piercing the most well-known target on a man.

There you go folks! Just follow these three easy steps and you’ll be safe forever!