TORIS OF THE WORLD!! Taking care of your uke right after hitting, twisting, slamming, punching, kicking, slapping, throwing, and otherwise giving them the slightly more evil version of chiropractic care is essential for their long-term viability. No worries average citizen, we weirdos do this for fuuuuuuuuuun to each other. Nothing shows a great time in the dojo like some sore knuckles, wrists, and a handful of new bruises.Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Treat Your Uke Right”
Lately, I’ve been acquiring weapons like the local Cat Lady acquires felines. I have a good reason, I’m going to start teaching women’s self-defense soon and need good recommendations for useful weapons. Of course, I also realized my personal arsenal was a bit, um, puny and I needed to up my flexing game with more wood and metal clout. Or maybe I’ve developed that disease that martial artists get once they become serious about their art: Armamentilepsy– The disease that causes an overwhelming desire for the possession of weapons that leaves you broke, but slobbering in anticipation of the UPS truck. Whatever the case, Mama’s got some new toys (rubs hands in glee with a ridiculous and slightly scary grin).
I recently acquired from a wholesale company, a slapjack (or some call it a beaver tail), a black jack, and a telescoping baton. I was showing my new toys to my husband, and, as he handled the baton, he said, “Be careful, or you’ll poke your eye out with that!” He hates “A Christmas Story,” but I LOVE it. And of course, he would never deliberately quote a movie he hates, but he said it, and now he’s stuck with it, and so are you.
Welcome to the Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Weapons Handling.
We all know that as soon as one gets a new sword, one should immediately whack things with it. And, if you and your buddy both get swords, then, by golly, get out there and have a sword battle. Get a new knife? Stab as much stuff as you can, but don’t let your mom see it or she’ll tanny your fanny.
But, we have to keep it safe guys and know how to handle these weapons or else you might be this guy…
Tip #1: If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It.
When you get that Highlander replica katana, or, that war hammer you’ve slobbered on your keyboard over finally arrives and gosh-darn-it, after you excitedly rip open that Amazon packaging you find that the edges on said weapons are as dull as Grandma’s butter knives. Time to get out the sharpening stones? Or, no? Chances are, if yourself in the ER getting shrapnel picked out of your hiney, it’s a no-go.
Tip #2: If it Moves, Hit Yourself in the Head With It…Or, NOT.
Look, if Paul Bunyan can carry around a giant wood axe and not maim Babe the Blue Ox, and if Moses can carry a big stick without tripping every last Israelite, you can secure your weapon too. That especially goes for all you non-chuckers. Just cause it has a rope-de-do in the middle doesn’t mean you have to swing it, and hit yourself in the head. SECURE THAT WEAPON (i.e. Put it back on the wall where it belongs. And for Lee’s sake, get some lessons you chucker-head!).
Tip #3: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean…AW! What the Hell, Bonehead?
“Just put the gun down and back away from it. That’s it, put it on the ground nice and slow. Easy now, eeeeaaaaassssy. Yep, now back away. 10 paces please. Alright, stop right there. Can somebody get Bonehead here a towel, and some ice? You know what, better get that branding steel and torch too, we gotta gusher! Hey Fred! Fred! Get over here and secure that weapon right now! I mean it Fred! And don’t let Bonehead near it again! I blame you Fred! I. Blame. You.”
There you go folks! Just follow these three easy steps and you’ll be safe forever!
It’s that time again boys and girls for that magical, mystical ride into the untold wisdom of the Cookie of Fortune. Not to be confused with the Wheel of Fortune of course. You can eat a cookie, but a wheel won’t work out for you because a rolling wheel will gather no floss.Continue reading “Fortune Cookie Wisdom Wednesday”
Once upon a time, in a land lost to mist from too many fog machines (old wizards like to put on a show), a magically wizened person of uncertain gender decided to mess with the locals by making crispy, dry, BUT DELICIOUS cookies with little wisdom scrolls hidden in them. On these Lilliputian papers, the wizard would write sayings that were a bit…strange and mystifying. His tiny trick caused quite the stir amongst the people of the village. People found that making decisions based on these mystical crunchy treat’s inner wisdom engendered absolutely nothing in the way of gain, or loss. Still, the wizard had a fat pile of cash that he acquired from the duped village people as they sought an explanation from him.Continue reading “Fortune Cookie Wisdom Wednesday”
Facebook sensation, Martial Arts Humor, recently posted a carefully curated clip of a Brazilian LEO performing deadly martial arts tactics, in public. As we all know, Brazilians love to party, and with partying comes many Latin style dances, including their beloved Samba. In Brazil, the Samba has lots of hip swaying, flying footwork, voluminous feathers, and naked butt-cheeks (see clip below). Being a passionate people, Brazilians take their samba, and cachaça (click link for more info) very seriously.Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em…Brazilian Edition.”
Ninja are exceptional creatures. They are world renowned for being the best magical tricksters/spies that seemingly appear out of nowhere, do what needs doing, then vanish mid leap. They don’t make friends easily because of their cat-like qualities of sneaking around and then pouncing on unsuspecting humans.
Humans might unwittingly befriend and ninja not know it, which is just fine with the ninja. After all, their ability to ninja is predicated on secrecy, misdirection, and hiding in plain sight. But what if some random person finds out their friends with a ninja and confronts said terror of the night??
How do they keep their friendship and survive?
That’s a really great question and I’m glad you asked! Because now I’m going to let you in on some little-known, super-secret and other arcane mystical know-how. I present to you:
The Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Surviving Your Friendship with a Ninja
Survival Tip 1: Make Food Offerings
Give them pizza. Lotsa, lotsa pizza. After all, pizza is the perfect food: it’s full of carbohydrates for energy, fat for fullness, and pepperoni to build those finely-tuned ninja muscles. As a matter of fact, just always have pizza around, you never know when they’ll sneak in the back window from the fire escape.
Survival Tip #2: Keep the Ninja Puns in Your Head
Okay, look, we all know ninja are often the butt of many jokes when it comes to martial arts. And that’s okay, the ninja can take it because being underestimated is part of their strategy. But do we really need to perpetuate ninja puns? DO WE? Really, just keep the puns in your head for your own safety.
Survival Tip #3: Secretly Learn Their Ways
I won’t lie, this is a tough one. First, you have to even know that you’ve befriended a ninja, then you have to watch them carefully without looking like you’re watching them and learn their techniques. Ninja love it when other people take up their art. After all ninja are clannish and often work in groups. Pulling a smoke bomb out your pocket then disappearing will endear you to them forever… and they won’t kill you when you’re not looking.
And there you go folks! Another definitive and succinct guide to life.
Two weeks ago I was marveling at the amount of bruises I acquired on one arm. Because I skipped a week to go on vacation, I decided you really need a new “how-to” manual. I mean, that’s why I’m here, to tell you how to do things, right?Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: How to be a Martial Artist Without Actually Trying”