Monday’s Martial Madness: Ninjas in a Winter Wonderland

That horrid white stuff known affectionately to some as “snow” fell here in the Mid-Atlantic yesterday. ALL. DAY. LONG. Which brought to mind ninjas, because ninjas are awesome and it’s Monday. Those are the only two reasons I need for a song parody. I do need to give a shoutout to my child, Bumpkin Bee, for helping me come up with this idea. Go check out his Youtube channel, it’s full of silliness.

Here we go… Ninjas in a Winter Wonderland

Ninja blades, how they glisten
You're afraid, so you stiffen
The ninja nearby are hiding tonight
Ninja in a winter wonderland

In the snow, they'll be hiding
And their time, they'll be biding
To take out their blade and go on their raid
Ninja in a winter wonderland

In the meadow you won't see the ninja
They'll pretend that they're one with the snow
They'll be watching your every move man
But you won't know how close they are, you better go

Later on, they'll conspire
They'll eat frogs and admire
The plans they'll make to disrupt your day
Ninjas in a winter wonderland

The silence screams, are you listening?
Ninja slink, the snow is glistening
They're out of sight, they're ready to strike
Ninja in a winter wonderland

As they whisper out the password
They'll be stalking till the last word
That you'll ever say, cuz they found their prey
Ninja in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow you can't see the ninja
They've been watching your every move
They are ready to snatch your head now
But you will never see them coming

Later on, they'll retire
As they sit by their fire
In their ninja cave, and you in your grave
Ninja in a winter wonderland
Ninja in a winter wonderland.

Here’s a few ninja memes to make your day better:

Monday’s Martial Madness: New Year’s Resolutions for the Martial Artist

AAAaaaaand I’m BACK! I took a bit of a hiatus because Christmas snuck up on me like merrily clad ninja then it was GO! GO! GO! for like 2.5 weeks. That’s all over now. So, it’s back to Monday’s Martial Madness for me, and you.

Today I’m offering a very unequivocally punctilious (ha ha, made you look up words!) list of New Year’s Resolutions that every martial artist should make. This list will insure that you are the best martial artist you can be for the coming year.

Do it all RIGHT NOW: I think it’s important to get your black belt as soon as possible. That means you have to spend every moment obsessing over every exhaustive trifle of your martial style. When you’re that awesome, who needs sleep?

The Hurticane is the only technique you need.

Punch and kick at ANYONE and ANYTHING: They say practice makes perfect, right? Well, how can the quintessential martial artist be the BEST if he doesn’t throw strikes whenever possible? Truly, one must use his skills on every unsuspecting street light, tree, and grandma on the street.

Or in this case, every unsuspecting Bob.

Start a YouTube Channel about your martial art style: Why NOT use the best platform for telling all the people why your martial art is the BEST and every other kind SUCKS? Surely everyone deserves to know as frequently as possible, right?

Because everything else is bullshit.

Tell EVERYONE you care about how deadly you are: Your loved ones need to come into alignment with the TRUTH. How else you could they know if you don’t tell them? Make sure you how you’re going to KILL the next person that messes with you, frequently and loudly so they don’t miss a word.

I dye my clothes in the blood of my enemies.

I hope you feel more inspired to get out there and be as insufferable as possible!

Happy New Year.

Monday’s Martial Madness: The 12 Days of Martial Arts 🎄

Dear Reader, You are about to embark on a non-sensical journey of wonder.  You’re probably gonna wonder about this little ditty.  Why in the world would anyone do this on PURPOSE.  While it is possible to get injured practicing a martial art, it doesn’t happen this fast or intensely.  Rather, this is an imaginative a retelling of many injuries collected by many martial artists over the past century condensed into 12 days. Because Christmas, and madness.  

🎄On the first day of martial arts my tori gave to me, a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the second day of martial arts my tori gave to me, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the third day of martial arts my tori gave to me, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the fourth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the fifth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the sixth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the seventh day of martial arts my tori gave to me, seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the eighth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the ninth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, nine shoulder throws. Eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the tenth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the eleventh day of martial arts my tori gave to me, eleven knife hand strikes.  Ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the twelfth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, twelve pulsing head doinks. Eleven knife hand strikes.  Ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Make a Martial Art Out of ANYTHING

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, Gurg learned that he could stop his neighbor, Brob, from taking his portion of mammoth by hitting him with a stick just below the eyes.  Somewhere else, some other prehistoric dude found poking Zur in the eyeball helped him impress the local prehistoric babes.  Since then, humans have found numerous ways to hit, kick, maim and otherwise kill each other.  Some have organized their techniques into whole systems.  Some of these you may know: kung fu, karate, tae kwan do, and that barbaric sport pigeon-do.  Never heard of pigeon-do? It’s by far the deadliest martial art known to man, even worse than krav maga.

Pigeon-do is proof that anything you can imagine can become a deadly martial art style. As shown in the video below following your opponent around and mimicking their movements will render yourself invisible before you deploy your deadly beak strike.

The bird in the front has NO CLUE he’s about to die.

To make a martial out of anything all one needs is inspiration from life, a ranking system, and a bank account.  The master that developed pigeon-do had the sagacity to realize that the movements and behaviors of the common pigeon can be used to disable and disarm any opponent.  In this system students are ranked according to how much time they spent among the pigeons.  The more time spent under the auspices of their exalted martial models, the more pigeon poop they’d get on their gis.  Obviously, only the one’s with strongest stomach, or no sense of smell become masters.  Unsurprisingly, the creator of Pigeon-do lives in a closet somewhere in New York City.

Local hoodlums flexing their flight feathers.

Let’s say, as a child, you dreamed of joining the Bolshoi Ballet.  You studied and studied for the entry tests only to be rejected because you lacked that certain je ne sais quoi.  I mean your pirouettes and step-ball-chain just didn’t have moxie.  You’re disappointed, perhaps enraged, that you wasted so much time in positions one AND two only have your dreams dashed by some hoity toity God-like smarty pants.  Who do they think THEY ARE??

In your woebegone state, and after much pondering, you decide you’ll show THEM by inventing your own martial art based on those sick dance moves you learned, why let all that hard work die at the hands of evil judges?  No, you decide to cash it all in and go for broke.  After a few YouTube tutorials on how to make YouTube tutorials, you slap a webcam on the wall and Voila! You are now a master martial artist in your own style.  

Take that you fake, Russian Simon Cowell!

This system use the elastic in their dance pants to identify rank.  The more slack in the pants, the higher the rank.  Reportedly, know one knows exactly how many people pay to learn this style, but that doesn’t matter, with a half-baked ballet skills, and a dream this could go far.

In my final example I turn to that mid-1970’s quintessential pop song, “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas.  Only, someone forgot to turn on their hearing aid while scoping out the local libraries collection of classics and heard “everybunny.” This lead to a secret underground movement of devotees that burrow into their master’s teaching every week.  Local legend has it that the children’s game Patty Cake has become so deadly among the students the town council issued an ordinance to limit the fur-driven rage of Bunny Fu.

And there you go folks! What kinds of obscure martial arts have you heard of? Let me know in the comments below!

Monday’s Martial Madness: A No-Touch Thanksgiving Tutorial

It’s that time of year again. An overflow of food and relatives that can a person feel overstuffed physically, and emotionally.  The madness that overtakes us every year can be daunting, and perhaps make us shut down with all of the work that comes with adhering to tradition by preparing, and eating, massive amounts of food.  I’m here to help you overcome the plague of busyness by helping you develop you’re martial skills in the area of preparing the fearsome feast known as Thanksgiving.  Because training is life, and life is training.

I know what you’re thinking, all of the physical activity that comes with preparing an acceptable repast is daunting and you can’t possibly think of a way to get around this problem.  Well, my little protege, you have not heard of the power of No-touch martial arts.  Let’s say you go to a martial arts conference to see this dude who calls himself a master of whatever martial art he teaches and during this conference he brings up something called “no touch” skills that knocks an opponent down, or out cold.  He waves his hands around at his students and they magically fall down, or get knocked out.  You’ve just witnessed a no touch martial art.  I can hear you asking yourself, how will that help me with my preparations for Thanksgiving?  I’m so glad you asked because I am about to impart an ancient and little known technique for food preparation in a tutorial.  Skeptical? Read on my friends and see the power of the no touch Thanksgiving technique.

The first thing you must do in order to achieve greatness is to gather your chi, or ki, or whatever your art calls your energy and put it in your hands.  You’re going to need all you have to get that turkey prepped and roasted because that bird is heavy!  Once you’ve gathered you chi you must put the chi in your hands in the form of a ball.  We are going to roast that bird so you need all you can muster!  After you’ve used your palm techniques to move the stuffing into the bird’s cavity, use the energy ball to roast that bird.  If you have sufficient energy it should only need about 10 minutes to bring it to crispy perfection.  But don’t over do it!  You may end up with dry meat from over exposure to your awesome powers.  

The next item on your list is mashed potatoes.  Everyone loves mashed potatoes (except for some scary heathens who hate potatoes in general). Of course, you’re going to want to make sure they are well done before applying your knocking-people-over chi technique to mash those babies.  So, I suggest you take each potato and wave your fingers around them to scare the peels right off that tater.  Next, you use what’s left of the energy ball you created for the turkey to soften the potatoes.  Now, you’ll want to step back for this one, use your energy shove to squash the tater right into the bowl.  You’ll want to add butter and milk of course and you can do this by waving your hands over your fridge and levitating these items over to the bowl and carefully measuring them out for the perfect flavor.  Seems a bit crazy right? It’s not if you believe you’re master Yoda and can move spaceships out of the bog. Milk and butter seems like kid’s stuff compared to that Force move.

And finally, let’s talk about the mac and cheese.  We all know that overcooked noodles and lumpy tasteless cheese glop make that dish a gross encounter of the third kind.  This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of your technique.  If refinement is what you seek, you will need all of your energy centers tingling at this one.  The noodles need to be cooked with precision so I suggest a good, hard stare at the noodles.  You will want to emit microwave particles from your mind through your eyes.  If your eyes start to glow red, you should calm down a little, it’s best to keep a disciple near by in case of emergency.  Of course, we know that slapping a noodle against a wall is the best way to test the doneness of said noodles so a slight flick of your fingers with a small amount of energy ought to do it. Once you’ve done the tornado technique with the noodles and cheese to mix them, it’s time to get that creamy-crispy madness known as mac and cheese cooked. Levitate that mix right into a 9×13 pan, then move that pan right into your lap.  You’re going to need all of your chi for this one.  Set your energy centers on high for 5 minutes.

Now that you’ve mastered preparing these three dishes, you are ready to prepare the rest of the feast. Green bean casserole, stuffing, and sweet potato casserole will take only minutes each!

As always remember to breath and relax. We don’t need you passing out from effort!  As always thanks for joining us here at our dojo.  Enjoy your no touch feast!

Monday’s Martial Madness: The True Meaning of Martial Arts Memes

Farce_9

I know what you’re thinking.  Memes are pretty straightforward, right?  I mean it says right on the meme what it’s all about, duh.

What if I told you there is a hidden message that only truly great masters can understand?  Ancient wisdom passed down through the ages must be hidden in the most archaic forms of art, philosophy, and religion.  Those of lucky enough to find this wisdom can indubitably become better versions of ourselves.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I have decided to use my training in the art of faux jutsu from the great lineage of Pul Ur Leg and the Five Farces to interpret martial memes for you.

1.

horsestance

In this first meme we have the ubiquitous and obligatory martial arts master with excessive facial hair.  As we all know, the whiter and longer the hair, the more wisdom and fractious the master.  It is essential to note the length and prodigious volume of the eyebrows.  As the saying goes, “Eyes are the window to the soul” and in this case, the soul is mostly curmudgeonly from the eyelids holding up so much impressive fuzz.  Note that the tone of the meme is on the slightly petty side.  Perhaps his students forgot to “mow the grass” that morning, a martial technique only taught to the most serious prodigies.

2.

Farce_7

This next meme is surely a tricky one.  At first glance it seems obvious that the student is merely messing up because he gained the notice of his instructor.  If you look carefully can see that this student is demonstrating the reverse crane kick.  In the Karate Kid, a visual interpretation of an ancient karate scroll cleverly disguised as a cinematic masterpiece, we see the first version of this technique, the crane kick.  Of course, the masters that put forth the Karate Kid could not allow the crane kick and this technique be connected lest they give away their ancient information to any old fanboy or fangirl.  They decided to hide this gem in bowels of the interwebs so that those that are clever enough can find it.

3.

Farce_3

Everyone loves memes with animals.  After all, animals are the cutest and fuzziest of all creation, especially monkeys.  Who wouldn’t look at this and think “Awww, kung fu monkeys, isn’t that cute!”  By all appearances this monkey is especially cute in a karate gi and his well-earned black belt.  Or is he?

Deep in the jungles of Hollywood there are tablets that speak of an ancient prophesy.  A prophesy so terrifying that the glacial winds of  the heebie-jeebies will freeze your very soul.  It is said that this prophesy shows that these seemingly harmless creatures will learn martial arts and take over the world.  Humankind will be lulled into stupefied and moronic state by watching these monkeys “perform” their martial arts shenanigans.  And when they least expect it, the monkeys will karate chop them in the knees and make them rue the day they ever taught them kung fu.

4.

Farce_6

Ah, Chuck Norris.  Classic memes at their finest.  Many things have been said about Chuck on the internet.  He is credited with many extraordinary talents.  Chuck is said to have defeated death itself and mete out punishment to the unruly anytime and anywhere in the form of invisible kicks.  Many think that these memes are merely a rib-tickler about a normal man run amok (or is that aChuck?).  I submit to you that this is truly not the case.  Rather, these are pages from the Bible of Norrisium, written by the Cult of Chuck.  They believe that he is the god of the dark web, here to scare everything and get it under his will.   And it would seem that it’s working.

5.

Farce_8

Considering that the martial arts often attracts the great unwashed (aka young teenage boys) it should come as no surprise that personal hygiene, especially nail cutting, is a major issue in the dojo.  But that’s not what we are seeing here in this meme.

This meme is a clear representation of a master who decided to throw in his lot with trainers to teach martial skills to creatures regularly captured for what is reported to be glorified wrestling matches.  These creatures delight in fighting one another but regularly are defeated and need to level up in their fights to gain new skills.  Obviously each trainer wants the creatures to win on a regular basis so paying a master to teach their minions how to win fights is de rigueur. When these little creatures peek at you through their trainers legs they seem pretty harmless, then they move toward you and out come the pointy things on their brightly colored bodies.  Just like white belts in the dojo, the novices are the most dangerous creatures of all.  Obviously, teaching grappling skills to a bunch of spiked out, large toothed, and clawed noobs is hazardous.

Well! There you go my friends!  I hope you feel more enlightened and will consider the hidden meaning of memes next time you encounter one on the Facebook!

Sayonara.

 

Monday’s Martial Madness: The Art of the Fart (a.k.a. How to Break Wind like a Ninja)

Fart_6

 

Farts come, and farts go.  We’ve all been there, right? RIGHT?? Hello?? Farts are one of the many major pitfalls of group dynamics.  Some of the great questions of human society are, how does one let one out and not sending the team packing?  How loud is too loud? Is it ok to use the Ninja Fart method?  Can I blame the person next to me without casting suspicion on myself? Was it really THAT bad?

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I gotta fart out in public.  Maybe we had beans for dinner, or it’s just my day for butt explosions.  Sure, I’ve let out a few loud ones when I couldn’t help it, like when I’m grappling and going for a leg lock.  You see, I’m not exactly a quiet fart-tress.  Maybe God thought it was funny to make my tooter so, so squeaky or something, but I needed to find ways to get it out that A. Isn’t noisy, and B. Can’t be traced back to me.  In the dojo for example, I’m often the only girl in class, and girls don’t fart, like ever, right?

 

Fart_4

Before embarking on any fart-venture I ask myself: Can I get away with letting out a stinker so no one will notice?  The answer is usually “yes” because I’ve become so practiced at dropping SBD’s I’m practically a fart ninja.  I mean if they were handing out belts for secretly ripping one, I’d be at least a 10th dan by now.  Because I’m such a master, I’ve decided it was high time to share my skills with the rest of the world and lead us into an enlightened age of Cheese Cutting On the Sly.

 

To ensure the best results I’ve compiled this list after many years of mastery just for you.  Here are my three methods of How to Break Wind Like a Ninja

  1. First and foremost is learning sphincter control.  That tiny muscle needs to be worked out regularly for maximum control.  First eat whatever produces maximum gas for you.  Beans, cruciferous veggies, and milk for the lactose intolerant do wonders for your fart-ability.  Once the gas is built up I suggest taking a bath and straining just enough to let the gas out in silence.  At first you will create a lot of bubbles and noise.  As a side note: You’re dog might faint if you let him the bathroom with you, so keep him out while you exercise your tooter.  Eventually, you will learn to fart quietly and let out just enough to bowl over the even the biggest football players.  Although once you reach sphincter supremacy, you might need a gas mask in case  you surprise yourself with a deadly stink bomb and pass out.  How would you explain that to your family or roommate?
  2. Once you’re able to pinch one out unnoticed, it’s time to learn butt placement.  This skill is key.  Where you point your tooter matters.  If you’re backside is facing INTO the crowd and you let ‘er rip you could easily get blamed, I mean it’s SO obvious that it was you.  I suggest you learn how to casually and slightly step into the crowd to crop dust those around you.  An alternative version is to drop one and casually leave the group.  The SBD’s usually are concentrated enough that it takes time to spread around so that by the time you’ve left no one knows it was you.
  3. And finally, control over your emotional expression will keep you safe from all accusations.  There is science to back up what is called “micro expressions,” tiny movements of the face that give away your emotions.  For example, it’s too obvious when you make a face of disgust or back away yelling, “Who farted?” After all, the one who smelt it, dealt it.  Rather complete control over your facial expressions are paramount to your Ninja Fart skills.  No sidelong glances, no smirks, no smug expressions, or angry faces.  Rather, acting like nothing happened at all will win the day.

 

If you follow these three easy steps you too can become a Fart Ninja Master, just like me.

Fart_7
Bruce approves of your fart skills.