Monday’s Martial Madness: It’s Time to Spring Forward, or How to Karate Chop Your Way Through the Week After the Daylight Savings Time Change

Or don’t because you have morning death breath.

Woe to America! The government’s done it again: they’ve taken our precious sleep right out from under us! Unless you live in Arizona, or some obscure parts of the mid-West, they’re A-ok all snug in their hoity-toity god-like smarty pants beds snoring while the rest of us suffer. I think most Americans agree by now that this here DST is getting down right annoying. 90% percent of us don’t farm, or whatever, and don’t really care about when the sun rises, or sets. We only care that it keeps on keepin’ on, because ARMAGEDDON.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: Always Gonna Lift You Up (Never Gonna Give You Up Parody. Ha ha! I Rick Rolled You!)

Or, you’ll throw off the No Touch Dude’s Groove!

*Author’s note: I realize that the people who will get this without traipsing across the Interwebs are legit martial arts players: average Joes and Janes who train in certified dojos. So, for the sake of you NOOBS, I will give a short explanation. “No-touch” martial arts are practiced by those who believe they can summon, at will, their own “chi energy” and use it to throw people, block punches, knock people down, and otherwise control others (see below video).

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Monday’s Martial Madness: Battle Group for the Martial Artist’s Soul (Because Chicken Soup for the MA’s Soul is Already Taken)

Hey? Where’s the token female??!!

If you’re a violence nerd (totally stole that from the Stick Chick), or a martial artist, it’s possible you’ve spent countless hours in the dead of night, or with your nerdy friends, creating battles between superheroes, long-dead martial arts masters, or the ultimate warrior groups to fight off evil in every form. Depending on which comics universe you support, you may get into…internecine fights. I’ve decide it’s time to settle this once and for all and create the ultimate fighting group ever, and forever…amen. This guide is meant to soothe your violent little soul, sort of like chicken soup does for the virus-ravaged.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Succeed at Life- The Martial Arts Edition.

Of all the tenets of life, the martial arts has the most preposterous amount of life-altering sayings and philosophies. There are thousands of years, and masters, from whom we’ve derived myriad high-falutin’ ideologies that can, and do, change your life for the better and actually SUCCEED like Chuck Norris, who apparently succeeds without even trying.

Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Succeed at Life- The Martial Arts Edition.”

Monday’s Martial Madness: Ode to My Left Foot- Evil Twin of The Right One.

Get it together left foot!

Have you ever noticed that when practicing a technique the left side doesn’t necessarily follow suit with the right? It becomes all awkward, like a newborn babe who has never kicked anyone, ever. My body, like yours, needs to GET. ITSELF. TOGETHER. Especially, my feet. That left foot of mine, is insanely…uncoordinated. And that’s putting it MILDLY. I’ve caught onto it’s wily ways and have decided to shame it into subservience with…a poem. Because, the best insults are the most well-crafted as our brother Willy Shakespeare shows in his plays. So, please, if you like the poem and want to tell your left to step off and get back in line, by all means, read this out loud to it.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Make Friends with a Martial Artist

According to the Internet, there are 3.42 million martial artists in the United States, and 327.16 million people living here in the US. With some rather dubious math I’ve concluded there is 1 martial artist per 95 people. With those numbers, it’s likely you know a martial artist or two. Martial artists are “special” and it takes a certain kind of perspicacity to make friends with them. They are not into normal things like bacon memes and “hold my beer” moments, rather they’re into somewhat obscure Eastern philosophies and how to maim people for jocularity’s sake. They can be kind of weird and hard to get to know if you lack the knowledge and skills on how to befriend your friendly neighborhood karate expert. Well, once again, The Modern Kunoichi has come to your rescue. This how-to list I’ve compiled will help you, John, or Jane, Q. Public both understand what interests these types, and how to befriend them.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: It’s Brass Monkey Cold Out There. Or, How to Kung Fu Your Way Through The Deep Freeze Like the Monkey King.

Here in Delaware, the current temperature (as of 12 pm) is 16 degrees Farenheit. The windchill is bringing it down to -10 degrees with blasts up to 30 mph. In other words, as my husband says, its brass monkey cold out there. Technically the phrase is “It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey,” but my husband prefers to use his own phrase because mentioning male anatomy paaaaaaaaaarts.

I knew there was a reason I loved this character.
Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: It’s Brass Monkey Cold Out There. Or, How to Kung Fu Your Way Through The Deep Freeze Like the Monkey King.”