Monday’s Martial Madness: Miss Me?? Or, How Slowly Do Mole Asses Move Anyway?

Well, I’m back….

I’m Dai Senpai (大先輩 for the uninitiated dai senpai simply means Big Senior) now. I passed all tests required before shodan and now I’m in the hold-onto-your-gi-pants-cuz-its-getting-crazy-up-in-here pattern until February. What does being dai senpai get me? More responsibilities, like the kind where herding cats seems like a dream job. Seriously though, I’m doing my best to lead people into their best selves but sometimes the process moves like molasses, or is it mole asses? My friend texted me this morning and said they (her and her family) were moving like mole asses (Autocorrect? Or did she TYPE ass…hmmm…) trying to get out the door to the gym. And I’m like, how slow do mole asses move? She never answered. BUT, it’s an idea worth exploring, because LOOK AT THAT MOLE BUTT.

It’s a hiney and I wants to pinch it Precious….

I’m getting my first tastes of teaching because I’m headed toward sensei territory and guess what, more responsibility awaits. I’m pretty sure my sensei is throwing me into the deep end of the instructor pool, but it’s kinda hard to tell what with these messy swim goggles and all that splashing I’m doing in my tiny, half-dead water wings. I mean, he’s the kind of guy who gives bruises for free then says “You’re welcome” when you complain about it, but I digress (Uh-oh, a song parody of Money for Nothing is lurching around in my brain. Maybe next blog post, heh heh). Figuring out my role, duties, and authority is going a lot like I imagine mole asses go when the front end is busy digging tunnels– a jarring, muddy ride full of long-dead bug carcasses pushing up daisies.

The little bastard doesn’t know when to quit–dragging his ass around in the mud and all.

But it’s good for me, right? After all, the shortest path to trial-by-fire learning is paved on the road of the do-or-die method of teaching. Remarkably, here I stand in the center of the volcano, pretty sure my underpants are on fire and the pool noodle of justice is headed my way (No, we’re not THAT sadistic. We gently whack each other in the name of NOT making knuckle-headed moves), but feeling determined to give it my best, despite the rambunctious moles and their yucky ass-dragging-ness.

Bring it volcano!

Truly, I appreciate flailing around in the dark like a blind guy at the disco, because getting my mole-asses butt headed in the right direction is bit like corralling bulls bent on shopping for china ware. Because I’m THICK-headed. Thick like the fur on a mole ass. I can be pretty slow on picking up details, clues, and the occasional direct command. Butt, I try, oh, how I try. I guess that’s what got me here in the first place. Being bullheaded has its place in the martial arts. Dogged determination to see the training through to the next level is what makes a decent person decent-er. Even if getting there flows like mole asses.

The after pic of the tests that got into this dai senpai mess…ignore the hair.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: You Might be a Martial Artist If…

The desire to practice a martial art is a bit like a madness that takes over your entire being. Your soul starts to burn for more horse stance while your body and mind agree that that your soul needs a chill pill. However, not all the signs of this kind of lunacy are quite so obvious and one might wonder if they have taken the red pill, instead of the blue.

“Remember, all I’m offering is the truth, nothing more… Heh, heh, heh.”
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Monday’s Martial Madness: 3 Things Martial Artists Say, and What They Mean

Special groups often have lingo that only the members know. Shorthand, code, and special terms are flung around like shuriken (aka throwing stars for you non-ninjers). So, in the company of martial arts groups you might hear a few things that require interpretation.

And other stuff Sensei says…
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Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Treat Your Uke Right

TORIS OF THE WORLD!! Taking care of your uke right after hitting, twisting, slamming, punching, kicking, slapping, throwing, and otherwise giving them the slightly more evil version of chiropractic care is essential for their long-term viability. No worries average citizen, we weirdos do this for fuuuuuuuuuun to each other. Nothing shows a great time in the dojo like some sore knuckles, wrists, and a handful of new bruises.

Because if you don’t love your uke, who will?
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Monday’s Martial Madness: A Christmas Story: Martial Arts Edition. Or, “You’ll Poke Your Eye Out With That!”

Okay, change that discussion to “A fully customized iaito, or shinken?” And you’ve got yourself a martial artist’s rationalization for their weapons habit.

Lately, I’ve been acquiring weapons like the local Cat Lady acquires felines. I have a good reason, I’m going to start teaching women’s self-defense soon and need good recommendations for useful weapons. Of course, I also realized my personal arsenal was a bit, um, puny and I needed to up my flexing game with more wood and metal clout. Or maybe I’ve developed that disease that martial artists get once they become serious about their art: ArmamentilepsyThe disease that causes an overwhelming desire for the possession of weapons that leaves you broke, but slobbering in anticipation of the UPS truck. Whatever the case, Mama’s got some new toys (rubs hands in glee with a ridiculous and slightly scary grin).

My current weapons cache, it’s grown by half the past few weeks.
What?? 😙🎶

I recently acquired from a wholesale company, a slapjack (or some call it a beaver tail), a black jack, and a telescoping baton. I was showing my new toys to my husband, and, as he handled the baton, he said, “Be careful, or you’ll poke your eye out with that!” He hates “A Christmas Story,” but I LOVE it. And of course, he would never deliberately quote a movie he hates, but he said it, and now he’s stuck with it, and so are you.

Welcome to the Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Weapons Handling.

Just, just, STAHP IT!!
*This is an older meme, but it checks out*

We all know that as soon as one gets a new sword, one should immediately whack things with it. And, if you and your buddy both get swords, then, by golly, get out there and have a sword battle. Get a new knife? Stab as much stuff as you can, but don’t let your mom see it or she’ll tanny your fanny.

Well don’t just stand there! Whack stuff with that axe and sword you Backyard Viking! Oooooooooooops.
Poor bystander 😑.

But, we have to keep it safe guys and know how to handle these weapons or else you might be this guy…

If you can’t beat ’em…coagulate? Then pummel them?

Tip #1: If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It.

What in the 4chan is this monstrosity? Also, cool, cool, cool.

When you get that Highlander replica katana, or, that war hammer you’ve slobbered on your keyboard over finally arrives and gosh-darn-it, after you excitedly rip open that Amazon packaging you find that the edges on said weapons are as dull as Grandma’s butter knives. Time to get out the sharpening stones? Or, no? Chances are, if yourself in the ER getting shrapnel picked out of your hiney, it’s a no-go.

🎶You don’t need no sharpened blades now. Do, do, do, do, do…do, do, do, do, do. Hey! Reader! Leave those blades alone! 🎶

Tip #2: If it Moves, Hit Yourself in the Head With It…Or, NOT.

Look, if Paul Bunyan can carry around a giant wood axe and not maim Babe the Blue Ox, and if Moses can carry a big stick without tripping every last Israelite, you can secure your weapon too. That especially goes for all you non-chuckers. Just cause it has a rope-de-do in the middle doesn’t mean you have to swing it, and hit yourself in the head. SECURE THAT WEAPON (i.e. Put it back on the wall where it belongs. And for Lee’s sake, get some lessons you chucker-head!).

Nunchaku! Nunchaku! Rah! Rah! Rah! Now stop it!

Tip #3: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean…AW! What the Hell, Bonehead?

3 full minutes of gun fails. You’re welcome.
*No humans were killed, maimed, or had sense knocked into them during the making of this video. Although, my head nearly exploded from the resounding “NO! DON’T DO IT!” moments*

“Just put the gun down and back away from it. That’s it, put it on the ground nice and slow. Easy now, eeeeaaaaassssy. Yep, now back away. 10 paces please. Alright, stop right there. Can somebody get Bonehead here a towel, and some ice? You know what, better get that branding steel and torch too, we gotta gusher! Hey Fred! Fred! Get over here and secure that weapon right now! I mean it Fred! And don’t let Bonehead near it again! I blame you Fred! I. Blame. You.”

Somehow they avoided piercing the most well-known target on a man.

There you go folks! Just follow these three easy steps and you’ll be safe forever!

Monday’s Martial Madness: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em…Brazilian Edition.

Facebook sensation, Martial Arts Humor, recently posted a carefully curated clip of a Brazilian LEO performing deadly martial arts tactics, in public. As we all know, Brazilians love to party, and with partying comes many Latin style dances, including their beloved Samba. In Brazil, the Samba has lots of hip swaying, flying footwork, voluminous feathers, and naked butt-cheeks (see clip below). Being a passionate people, Brazilians take their samba, and cachaça (click link for more info) very seriously.

Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em…Brazilian Edition.”