Fortune Cookie Wisdom Wednesday

Once upon a time, in a land lost to mist from too many fog machines (old wizards like to put on a show), a magically wizened person of uncertain gender decided to mess with the locals by making crispy, dry, BUT DELICIOUS cookies with little wisdom scrolls hidden in them. On these Lilliputian papers, the wizard would write sayings that were a bit…strange and mystifying. His tiny trick caused quite the stir amongst the people of the village. People found that making decisions based on these mystical crunchy treat’s inner wisdom engendered absolutely nothing in the way of gain, or loss. Still, the wizard had a fat pile of cash that he acquired from the duped village people as they sought an explanation from him.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em…Brazilian Edition.

Facebook sensation, Martial Arts Humor, recently posted a carefully curated clip of a Brazilian LEO performing deadly martial arts tactics, in public. As we all know, Brazilians love to party, and with partying comes many Latin style dances, including their beloved Samba. In Brazil, the Samba has lots of hip swaying, flying footwork, voluminous feathers, and naked butt-cheeks (see clip below). Being a passionate people, Brazilians take their samba, and cachaça (click link for more info) very seriously.

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Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Be Friends with a Ninja, and SURVIVE.

Ninja do as ninja does, but you’d never know it…

Ninja are exceptional creatures. They are world renowned for being the best magical tricksters/spies that seemingly appear out of nowhere, do what needs doing, then vanish mid leap. They don’t make friends easily because of their cat-like qualities of sneaking around and then pouncing on unsuspecting humans.

Humans might unwittingly befriend and ninja not know it, which is just fine with the ninja. After all, their ability to ninja is predicated on secrecy, misdirection, and hiding in plain sight. But what if some random person finds out their friends with a ninja and confronts said terror of the night??

How do they keep their friendship and survive?

That’s a really great question and I’m glad you asked! Because now I’m going to let you in on some little-known, super-secret and other arcane mystical know-how. I present to you:

The Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Surviving Your Friendship with a Ninja

Ha, ha, ha, well played ninja!

Survival Tip 1: Make Food Offerings

This ninja needs more friends.

Give them pizza. Lotsa, lotsa pizza. After all, pizza is the perfect food: it’s full of carbohydrates for energy, fat for fullness, and pepperoni to build those finely-tuned ninja muscles. As a matter of fact, just always have pizza around, you never know when they’ll sneak in the back window from the fire escape.

Survival Tip #2: Keep the Ninja Puns in Your Head

Ninja be like: I keeeeel you!

Okay, look, we all know ninja are often the butt of many jokes when it comes to martial arts. And that’s okay, the ninja can take it because being underestimated is part of their strategy. But do we really need to perpetuate ninja puns? DO WE? Really, just keep the puns in your head for your own safety.

Survival Tip #3: Secretly Learn Their Ways

If you saw me doing it, then I’m not that great of ninja.

I won’t lie, this is a tough one. First, you have to even know that you’ve befriended a ninja, then you have to watch them carefully without looking like you’re watching them and learn their techniques. Ninja love it when other people take up their art. After all ninja are clannish and often work in groups. Pulling a smoke bomb out your pocket then disappearing will endear you to them forever… and they won’t kill you when you’re not looking.

Let’s face it, pirates are stupid and annoying, ninja are purrrrfect.

And there you go folks! Another definitive and succinct guide to life.

Monday’s Martial Madness: How to be a Martial Artist Without Actually Trying

Two weeks ago I was marveling at the amount of bruises I acquired on one arm. Because I skipped a week to go on vacation, I decided you really need a new “how-to” manual. I mean, that’s why I’m here, to tell you how to do things, right?

You need to take me seriously when I’m talking to you.
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Monday’s Martial Madness: The Easter Bunny is Really a Ninja Master, or You Didn’t Know That the Easter Bunny Can Kill You Before You Know He’s There?

Well, that doesn’t bode well for humanity…

Spring has sprung, and all the colors of the rainbow are spewing joy and dancing on the landscape. Most people believe that Spring is a time of celebrating newness and life that comes with rain and sunny skies. Which means, Easter is right around the corner. Many mommies and daddies are already regaling their children with promises of candy and toys left by that wanton, and dangerous creature known as the Easter Bunny.

Oh, you DIDN’T know he’s dangerous?

That’s okay friend, because I’m here to save you from the terror of the Easter Bunny by teaching you his secrets.

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