Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Make a Martial Art Out of ANYTHING

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, Gurg learned that he could stop his neighbor, Brob, from taking his portion of mammoth by hitting him with a stick just below the eyes.  Somewhere else, some other prehistoric dude found poking Zur in the eyeball helped him impress the local prehistoric babes.  Since then, humans have found numerous ways to hit, kick, maim and otherwise kill each other.  Some have organized their techniques into whole systems.  Some of these you may know: kung fu, karate, tae kwan do, and that barbaric sport pigeon-do.  Never heard of pigeon-do? It’s by far the deadliest martial art known to man, even worse than krav maga.

Pigeon-do is proof that anything you can imagine can become a deadly martial art style. As shown in the video below following your opponent around and mimicking their movements will render yourself invisible before you deploy your deadly beak strike.

The bird in the front has NO CLUE he’s about to die.

To make a martial out of anything all one needs is inspiration from life, a ranking system, and a bank account.  The master that developed pigeon-do had the sagacity to realize that the movements and behaviors of the common pigeon can be used to disable and disarm any opponent.  In this system students are ranked according to how much time they spent among the pigeons.  The more time spent under the auspices of their exalted martial models, the more pigeon poop they’d get on their gis.  Obviously, only the one’s with strongest stomach, or no sense of smell become masters.  Unsurprisingly, the creator of Pigeon-do lives in a closet somewhere in New York City.

Local hoodlums flexing their flight feathers.

Let’s say, as a child, you dreamed of joining the Bolshoi Ballet.  You studied and studied for the entry tests only to be rejected because you lacked that certain je ne sais quoi.  I mean your pirouettes and step-ball-chain just didn’t have moxie.  You’re disappointed, perhaps enraged, that you wasted so much time in positions one AND two only have your dreams dashed by some hoity toity God-like smarty pants.  Who do they think THEY ARE??

In your woebegone state, and after much pondering, you decide you’ll show THEM by inventing your own martial art based on those sick dance moves you learned, why let all that hard work die at the hands of evil judges?  No, you decide to cash it all in and go for broke.  After a few YouTube tutorials on how to make YouTube tutorials, you slap a webcam on the wall and Voila! You are now a master martial artist in your own style.  

Take that you fake, Russian Simon Cowell!

This system use the elastic in their dance pants to identify rank.  The more slack in the pants, the higher the rank.  Reportedly, know one knows exactly how many people pay to learn this style, but that doesn’t matter, with a half-baked ballet skills, and a dream this could go far.

In my final example I turn to that mid-1970’s quintessential pop song, “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas.  Only, someone forgot to turn on their hearing aid while scoping out the local libraries collection of classics and heard “everybunny.” This lead to a secret underground movement of devotees that burrow into their master’s teaching every week.  Local legend has it that the children’s game Patty Cake has become so deadly among the students the town council issued an ordinance to limit the fur-driven rage of Bunny Fu.

And there you go folks! What kinds of obscure martial arts have you heard of? Let me know in the comments below!

Monday’s Martial Madness: A No-Touch Thanksgiving Tutorial

It’s that time of year again. An overflow of food and relatives that can a person feel overstuffed physically, and emotionally.  The madness that overtakes us every year can be daunting, and perhaps make us shut down with all of the work that comes with adhering to tradition by preparing, and eating, massive amounts of food.  I’m here to help you overcome the plague of busyness by helping you develop you’re martial skills in the area of preparing the fearsome feast known as Thanksgiving.  Because training is life, and life is training.

I know what you’re thinking, all of the physical activity that comes with preparing an acceptable repast is daunting and you can’t possibly think of a way to get around this problem.  Well, my little protege, you have not heard of the power of No-touch martial arts.  Let’s say you go to a martial arts conference to see this dude who calls himself a master of whatever martial art he teaches and during this conference he brings up something called “no touch” skills that knocks an opponent down, or out cold.  He waves his hands around at his students and they magically fall down, or get knocked out.  You’ve just witnessed a no touch martial art.  I can hear you asking yourself, how will that help me with my preparations for Thanksgiving?  I’m so glad you asked because I am about to impart an ancient and little known technique for food preparation in a tutorial.  Skeptical? Read on my friends and see the power of the no touch Thanksgiving technique.

The first thing you must do in order to achieve greatness is to gather your chi, or ki, or whatever your art calls your energy and put it in your hands.  You’re going to need all you have to get that turkey prepped and roasted because that bird is heavy!  Once you’ve gathered you chi you must put the chi in your hands in the form of a ball.  We are going to roast that bird so you need all you can muster!  After you’ve used your palm techniques to move the stuffing into the bird’s cavity, use the energy ball to roast that bird.  If you have sufficient energy it should only need about 10 minutes to bring it to crispy perfection.  But don’t over do it!  You may end up with dry meat from over exposure to your awesome powers.  

The next item on your list is mashed potatoes.  Everyone loves mashed potatoes (except for some scary heathens who hate potatoes in general). Of course, you’re going to want to make sure they are well done before applying your knocking-people-over chi technique to mash those babies.  So, I suggest you take each potato and wave your fingers around them to scare the peels right off that tater.  Next, you use what’s left of the energy ball you created for the turkey to soften the potatoes.  Now, you’ll want to step back for this one, use your energy shove to squash the tater right into the bowl.  You’ll want to add butter and milk of course and you can do this by waving your hands over your fridge and levitating these items over to the bowl and carefully measuring them out for the perfect flavor.  Seems a bit crazy right? It’s not if you believe you’re master Yoda and can move spaceships out of the bog. Milk and butter seems like kid’s stuff compared to that Force move.

And finally, let’s talk about the mac and cheese.  We all know that overcooked noodles and lumpy tasteless cheese glop make that dish a gross encounter of the third kind.  This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of your technique.  If refinement is what you seek, you will need all of your energy centers tingling at this one.  The noodles need to be cooked with precision so I suggest a good, hard stare at the noodles.  You will want to emit microwave particles from your mind through your eyes.  If your eyes start to glow red, you should calm down a little, it’s best to keep a disciple near by in case of emergency.  Of course, we know that slapping a noodle against a wall is the best way to test the doneness of said noodles so a slight flick of your fingers with a small amount of energy ought to do it. Once you’ve done the tornado technique with the noodles and cheese to mix them, it’s time to get that creamy-crispy madness known as mac and cheese cooked. Levitate that mix right into a 9×13 pan, then move that pan right into your lap.  You’re going to need all of your chi for this one.  Set your energy centers on high for 5 minutes.

Now that you’ve mastered preparing these three dishes, you are ready to prepare the rest of the feast. Green bean casserole, stuffing, and sweet potato casserole will take only minutes each!

As always remember to breath and relax. We don’t need you passing out from effort!  As always thanks for joining us here at our dojo.  Enjoy your no touch feast!