Monday’s Martial Madness: The 12 Days of Martial Arts 🎄

Dear Reader, You are about to embark on a non-sensical journey of wonder.  You’re probably gonna wonder about this little ditty.  Why in the world would anyone do this on PURPOSE.  While it is possible to get injured practicing a martial art, it doesn’t happen this fast or intensely.  Rather, this is an imaginative a retelling of many injuries collected by many martial artists over the past century condensed into 12 days. Because Christmas, and madness.  

🎄On the first day of martial arts my tori gave to me, a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the second day of martial arts my tori gave to me, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the third day of martial arts my tori gave to me, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the fourth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the fifth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the sixth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the seventh day of martial arts my tori gave to me, seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the eighth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the ninth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, nine shoulder throws. Eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the tenth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight side step knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the eleventh day of martial arts my tori gave to me, eleven knife hand strikes.  Ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

🎄 On the twelfth day of martial arts my tori gave to me, twelve pulsing head doinks. Eleven knife hand strikes.  Ten more bloody noses. Nine shoulder throws. Eight knee strikes. Seven hammer blows.  Six dozen bruises.  Five more injuries! Four stomped on toes, three pulled muscles, two scraped up knuckles, and a groin strike that put me on my knees.

Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Monday’s Martial Madness: The True Meaning of Martial Arts Memes

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I know what you’re thinking.  Memes are pretty straightforward, right?  I mean it says right on the meme what it’s all about, duh.

What if I told you there is a hidden message that only truly great masters can understand?  Ancient wisdom passed down through the ages must be hidden in the most archaic forms of art, philosophy, and religion.  Those of lucky enough to find this wisdom can indubitably become better versions of ourselves.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I have decided to use my training in the art of faux jutsu from the great lineage of Pul Ur Leg and the Five Farces to interpret martial memes for you.

1.

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In this first meme we have the ubiquitous and obligatory martial arts master with excessive facial hair.  As we all know, the whiter and longer the hair, the more wisdom and fractious the master.  It is essential to note the length and prodigious volume of the eyebrows.  As the saying goes, “Eyes are the window to the soul” and in this case, the soul is mostly curmudgeonly from the eyelids holding up so much impressive fuzz.  Note that the tone of the meme is on the slightly petty side.  Perhaps his students forgot to “mow the grass” that morning, a martial technique only taught to the most serious prodigies.

2.

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This next meme is surely a tricky one.  At first glance it seems obvious that the student is merely messing up because he gained the notice of his instructor.  If you look carefully can see that this student is demonstrating the reverse crane kick.  In the Karate Kid, a visual interpretation of an ancient karate scroll cleverly disguised as a cinematic masterpiece, we see the first version of this technique, the crane kick.  Of course, the masters that put forth the Karate Kid could not allow the crane kick and this technique be connected lest they give away their ancient information to any old fanboy or fangirl.  They decided to hide this gem in bowels of the interwebs so that those that are clever enough can find it.

3.

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Everyone loves memes with animals.  After all, animals are the cutest and fuzziest of all creation, especially monkeys.  Who wouldn’t look at this and think “Awww, kung fu monkeys, isn’t that cute!”  By all appearances this monkey is especially cute in a karate gi and his well-earned black belt.  Or is he?

Deep in the jungles of Hollywood there are tablets that speak of an ancient prophesy.  A prophesy so terrifying that the glacial winds of  the heebie-jeebies will freeze your very soul.  It is said that this prophesy shows that these seemingly harmless creatures will learn martial arts and take over the world.  Humankind will be lulled into stupefied and moronic state by watching these monkeys “perform” their martial arts shenanigans.  And when they least expect it, the monkeys will karate chop them in the knees and make them rue the day they ever taught them kung fu.

4.

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Ah, Chuck Norris.  Classic memes at their finest.  Many things have been said about Chuck on the internet.  He is credited with many extraordinary talents.  Chuck is said to have defeated death itself and mete out punishment to the unruly anytime and anywhere in the form of invisible kicks.  Many think that these memes are merely a rib-tickler about a normal man run amok (or is that aChuck?).  I submit to you that this is truly not the case.  Rather, these are pages from the Bible of Norrisium, written by the Cult of Chuck.  They believe that he is the god of the dark web, here to scare everything and get it under his will.   And it would seem that it’s working.

5.

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Considering that the martial arts often attracts the great unwashed (aka young teenage boys) it should come as no surprise that personal hygiene, especially nail cutting, is a major issue in the dojo.  But that’s not what we are seeing here in this meme.

This meme is a clear representation of a master who decided to throw in his lot with trainers to teach martial skills to creatures regularly captured for what is reported to be glorified wrestling matches.  These creatures delight in fighting one another but regularly are defeated and need to level up in their fights to gain new skills.  Obviously each trainer wants the creatures to win on a regular basis so paying a master to teach their minions how to win fights is de rigueur. When these little creatures peek at you through their trainers legs they seem pretty harmless, then they move toward you and out come the pointy things on their brightly colored bodies.  Just like white belts in the dojo, the novices are the most dangerous creatures of all.  Obviously, teaching grappling skills to a bunch of spiked out, large toothed, and clawed noobs is hazardous.

Well! There you go my friends!  I hope you feel more enlightened and will consider the hidden meaning of memes next time you encounter one on the Facebook!

Sayonara.

 

Monday’s Martial Madness: The Art of the Fart (a.k.a. How to Break Wind like a Ninja)

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Farts come, and farts go.  We’ve all been there, right? RIGHT?? Hello?? Farts are one of the many major pitfalls of group dynamics.  Some of the great questions of human society are, how does one let one out and not sending the team packing?  How loud is too loud? Is it ok to use the Ninja Fart method?  Can I blame the person next to me without casting suspicion on myself? Was it really THAT bad?

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I gotta fart out in public.  Maybe we had beans for dinner, or it’s just my day for butt explosions.  Sure, I’ve let out a few loud ones when I couldn’t help it, like when I’m grappling and going for a leg lock.  You see, I’m not exactly a quiet fart-tress.  Maybe God thought it was funny to make my tooter so, so squeaky or something, but I needed to find ways to get it out that A. Isn’t noisy, and B. Can’t be traced back to me.  In the dojo for example, I’m often the only girl in class, and girls don’t fart, like ever, right?

 

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Before embarking on any fart-venture I ask myself: Can I get away with letting out a stinker so no one will notice?  The answer is usually “yes” because I’ve become so practiced at dropping SBD’s I’m practically a fart ninja.  I mean if they were handing out belts for secretly ripping one, I’d be at least a 10th dan by now.  Because I’m such a master, I’ve decided it was high time to share my skills with the rest of the world and lead us into an enlightened age of Cheese Cutting On the Sly.

 

To ensure the best results I’ve compiled this list after many years of mastery just for you.  Here are my three methods of How to Break Wind Like a Ninja

  1. First and foremost is learning sphincter control.  That tiny muscle needs to be worked out regularly for maximum control.  First eat whatever produces maximum gas for you.  Beans, cruciferous veggies, and milk for the lactose intolerant do wonders for your fart-ability.  Once the gas is built up I suggest taking a bath and straining just enough to let the gas out in silence.  At first you will create a lot of bubbles and noise.  As a side note: You’re dog might faint if you let him the bathroom with you, so keep him out while you exercise your tooter.  Eventually, you will learn to fart quietly and let out just enough to bowl over the even the biggest football players.  Although once you reach sphincter supremacy, you might need a gas mask in case  you surprise yourself with a deadly stink bomb and pass out.  How would you explain that to your family or roommate?
  2. Once you’re able to pinch one out unnoticed, it’s time to learn butt placement.  This skill is key.  Where you point your tooter matters.  If you’re backside is facing INTO the crowd and you let ‘er rip you could easily get blamed, I mean it’s SO obvious that it was you.  I suggest you learn how to casually and slightly step into the crowd to crop dust those around you.  An alternative version is to drop one and casually leave the group.  The SBD’s usually are concentrated enough that it takes time to spread around so that by the time you’ve left no one knows it was you.
  3. And finally, control over your emotional expression will keep you safe from all accusations.  There is science to back up what is called “micro expressions,” tiny movements of the face that give away your emotions.  For example, it’s too obvious when you make a face of disgust or back away yelling, “Who farted?” After all, the one who smelt it, dealt it.  Rather complete control over your facial expressions are paramount to your Ninja Fart skills.  No sidelong glances, no smirks, no smug expressions, or angry faces.  Rather, acting like nothing happened at all will win the day.

 

If you follow these three easy steps you too can become a Fart Ninja Master, just like me.

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Bruce approves of your fart skills.

Monday’s Martial Madness: WE ARE NINJA! (Sung to the tune of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”)

*Disclaimer: I study Ninpo, Ninjutsu, Ninja Weapons, and Classic Jujutsu.

So, yeah, I’m a ninja and I’m making fun of myself.

Buddy we here, we don’t make no noise

Hangin’ from the roof we gon’ make you have a bad day

We got masks on our face

We sealed your fate

Kickin’ your can all over the place

Singin’

We are, we are NINJA!

We are, we are NINJA!

Buddy we here, don’t show our face

Sneaking in the walls gonna take over your place

We got swords in their place

Ain’t no disgrace

Throwin’ our stars all over the place

We are, we are NINJA!

We are, we are NINJA!

Fling it!

We are, we are NINJA!

We are, we are NINJA!

Buddy we ain’t bad men, mad men

Pleadin’ with your eyes we gon’ make

Find your peace some day

We got blood on our face

No disgrace

Somebody betta get ya’ out of this place

We are, we are NINJA!

Fling it!

We are, we are NINJA!

Everybody

We are, we are NINJA!

We are, we are NINJA!

All Night

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Monday’s Martial Madness: To the Hawker of Horror and Hijinks, the Purveyor of Punishment and Purpose, the Retailer of Reality and Regurgitation: An Ode to the Sensei.

O Madness! You bring

That most sinister of gleams

You rub your hands and sing

“It’s time for some real FUN.”

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From the highest of fears

To the lowest of tears

As I land on my rear

I question your definition of “fun.”

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O Blackbelt! You slay me!

Upset and repay me!

Your madness, so cray cray!

As your eyes gleam in your “fun.”

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I find myself down here

On the mats, as I lay here

Reeking of sweat

And the elements of undeserved fun.

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Rife with butt cruises

A thousand contusions

I’ve gathered here

All from that maddening gleam

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O Sensei! O Sensei!

You help me out plenty,

As I land on my back

And rub my sore hiney

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Let’s do this some more

One more time on the floor,

Here we go again!

All in the name of fun

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Monday’s Martial Madness: The Art of Saying Dumb Things (a.k.a. What NOT to Say in the Dojo)

You ever just say something that seemed like a good idea before it left your lips but caused a chain reaction that ended up in blood, sweat, and/or tears? No? Well your life must be normal.

For some reason, martial arts instructors (sensei’s) inherit a twisted sense of “fun” and contrariness when they first put on their black belt.  Maybe it’s part of DNA of the person handing them their belt and it’s passed on like a virus.  Maybe it was already there and just ACTIVATED by the smell and feel of that new belt.  They’re enthusiasm for making us work hard and actually LEARN stuff is unparalleled anywhere else in the world.

The nerve.

Whatever the case, I have said some pretty dumb things in the presence of my sensei and wish that I had just kept my mouth SHUT.  You’d think after the first time I’d learn my lesson but NOOOOO.

Someone please install a dumb idea filter soon!

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To save the rest of you from the pain of wishing you could take it back, I’ve developed a helpful guide of what NOT to say in the dojo or with in earshot of your instructor/sensei.

Oh, you think they aren’t listening?  HA! You are dumb my friend.  Get a clue!

Some of these I’ve actually said out loud, some I made up for fun, but I’m probably right.

ME: “My (pick a body part) is sore from my workout today.”

Sensei: “Oh, your thighs are slightly sore from lunges? 10 sumo squats now!” (Okay, well, I mean sensei really isn’t a jerk who likes to torture people for fun.  He’s just looking out for us, right? RIGHT??) (Because we need strong legs for everything we do!)

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ME: “Sensei, we really need a Swiffer to mop up all this sweat off the mats.”

Sensei: “It’s a good thing that old school guy is here.  Time to wash the mats (in the most awkward way possible.  I exaggerate.  I just don’t like washing the mats THAT way.  Who am I kidding, I just don’t like washing the mats, PERIOD)!” (Because EVERYTHING we do is training!)

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ME: “I was wondering if you could explain the principles of Seoi Nage (that would be Japanese for ‘shoulder throws’)?”

Sensei: “Sure, come on over here (I get thrown), now let me break it down for you.” (Because we really need to experience the technique to understand it!)

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ME: “It’s my birthday today!” Sensei: “Get ready for birthday grappling!” Let me explain this phenomenon.  I have no idea who started this, or if any other schools do this, but if it’s your birthday, and you are at class, you get to grapple with every student for one minute, including sensei, from lowest rank up.  Imagine if 5-6 people show up for class, plus sensei (who is better at grappling than everybody else and will pin you in 30 seconds FLAT), that’s 5-6 grueling minutes of grappling with every body type. Grunting, sweating, and trying to keep from getting pretzeled and give a tap out.  BECAUSE FUN.  Oh, you LIKE grappling for you birthday? You need help. (Because birthday grappling is our tradition, and it’s fun!)

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ME: “I really need to work on my upper body strength so I can punch better.” Sensei: “Ten push ups (with every striking hand position we use.) Fist, blade of hand, fingers, and etc.” (Because proper striking technique is important!)

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Alright, now look sensei’s of the world stop being, so… so… RIGHT about everything being good for us! Give us a break!

Sheesh.