Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Be Friends with a Ninja, and SURVIVE.

Ninja do as ninja does, but you’d never know it…

Ninja are exceptional creatures. They are world renowned for being the best magical tricksters/spies that seemingly appear out of nowhere, do what needs doing, then vanish mid leap. They don’t make friends easily because of their cat-like qualities of sneaking around and then pouncing on unsuspecting humans.

Humans might unwittingly befriend and ninja not know it, which is just fine with the ninja. After all, their ability to ninja is predicated on secrecy, misdirection, and hiding in plain sight. But what if some random person finds out their friends with a ninja and confronts said terror of the night??

How do they keep their friendship and survive?

That’s a really great question and I’m glad you asked! Because now I’m going to let you in on some little-known, super-secret and other arcane mystical know-how. I present to you:

The Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Surviving Your Friendship with a Ninja

Ha, ha, ha, well played ninja!

Survival Tip 1: Make Food Offerings

This ninja needs more friends.

Give them pizza. Lotsa, lotsa pizza. After all, pizza is the perfect food: it’s full of carbohydrates for energy, fat for fullness, and pepperoni to build those finely-tuned ninja muscles. As a matter of fact, just always have pizza around, you never know when they’ll sneak in the back window from the fire escape.

Survival Tip #2: Keep the Ninja Puns in Your Head

Ninja be like: I keeeeel you!

Okay, look, we all know ninja are often the butt of many jokes when it comes to martial arts. And that’s okay, the ninja can take it because being underestimated is part of their strategy. But do we really need to perpetuate ninja puns? DO WE? Really, just keep the puns in your head for your own safety.

Survival Tip #3: Secretly Learn Their Ways

If you saw me doing it, then I’m not that great of ninja.

I won’t lie, this is a tough one. First, you have to even know that you’ve befriended a ninja, then you have to watch them carefully without looking like you’re watching them and learn their techniques. Ninja love it when other people take up their art. After all ninja are clannish and often work in groups. Pulling a smoke bomb out your pocket then disappearing will endear you to them forever… and they won’t kill you when you’re not looking.

Let’s face it, pirates are stupid and annoying, ninja are purrrrfect.

And there you go folks! Another definitive and succinct guide to life.

Monday’s Martial Madness: The Easter Bunny is Really a Ninja Master, or You Didn’t Know That the Easter Bunny Can Kill You Before You Know He’s There?

Well, that doesn’t bode well for humanity…

Spring has sprung, and all the colors of the rainbow are spewing joy and dancing on the landscape. Most people believe that Spring is a time of celebrating newness and life that comes with rain and sunny skies. Which means, Easter is right around the corner. Many mommies and daddies are already regaling their children with promises of candy and toys left by that wanton, and dangerous creature known as the Easter Bunny.

Oh, you DIDN’T know he’s dangerous?

That’s okay friend, because I’m here to save you from the terror of the Easter Bunny by teaching you his secrets.

Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: The Easter Bunny is Really a Ninja Master, or You Didn’t Know That the Easter Bunny Can Kill You Before You Know He’s There?”

Monday’s Martial Madness: Battle Group for the Martial Artist’s Soul (Because Chicken Soup for the MA’s Soul is Already Taken)

Hey? Where’s the token female??!!

If you’re a violence nerd (totally stole that from the Stick Chick), or a martial artist, it’s possible you’ve spent countless hours in the dead of night, or with your nerdy friends, creating battles between superheroes, long-dead martial arts masters, or the ultimate warrior groups to fight off evil in every form. Depending on which comics universe you support, you may get into…internecine fights. I’ve decide it’s time to settle this once and for all and create the ultimate fighting group ever, and forever…amen. This guide is meant to soothe your violent little soul, sort of like chicken soup does for the virus-ravaged.

Continue reading “Monday’s Martial Madness: Battle Group for the Martial Artist’s Soul (Because Chicken Soup for the MA’s Soul is Already Taken)”

Monday’s Martial Madness: Ninjas in a Winter Wonderland

That horrid white stuff known affectionately to some as “snow” fell here in the Mid-Atlantic yesterday. ALL. DAY. LONG. Which brought to mind ninjas, because ninjas are awesome and it’s Monday. Those are the only two reasons I need for a song parody. I do need to give a shoutout to my child, Bumpkin Bee, for helping me come up with this idea. Go check out his Youtube channel, it’s full of silliness.

Here we go… Ninjas in a Winter Wonderland

Ninja blades, how they glisten
You're afraid, so you stiffen
The ninja nearby are hiding tonight
Ninja in a winter wonderland

In the snow, they'll be hiding
And their time, they'll be biding
To take out their blade and go on their raid
Ninja in a winter wonderland

In the meadow you won't see the ninja
They'll pretend that they're one with the snow
They'll be watching your every move man
But you won't know how close they are, you better go

Later on, they'll conspire
They'll eat frogs and admire
The plans they'll make to disrupt your day
Ninjas in a winter wonderland

The silence screams, are you listening?
Ninja slink, the snow is glistening
They're out of sight, they're ready to strike
Ninja in a winter wonderland

As they whisper out the password
They'll be stalking till the last word
That you'll ever say, cuz they found their prey
Ninja in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow you can't see the ninja
They've been watching your every move
They are ready to snatch your head now
But you will never see them coming

Later on, they'll retire
As they sit by their fire
In their ninja cave, and you in your grave
Ninja in a winter wonderland
Ninja in a winter wonderland.

Here’s a few ninja memes to make your day better:

Lineage and Legitimacy, The Imposing Twin Peaks of Martial Arts.

In my short three years as a ninpoka (In Japanese, “ka” as a suffix means practitioner) , I’ve seen, and read a lot of thoughts on lineage and legitimacy. I’ll take a moment and explain these terms in relation to the martial arts. Lineage refers to the succession of teachers who taught any given art from its inception to you, the practitioner. Legitimacy refers whether, or not, a style is inherently able to teach a person actual self-defense skills. In other words, would this person walk away from a fight intact?

Continue reading “Lineage and Legitimacy, The Imposing Twin Peaks of Martial Arts.”