Monday’s Martial Madness: It’s Brass Monkey Cold Out There. Or, How to Kung Fu Your Way Through The Deep Freeze Like the Monkey King.

Here in Delaware, the current temperature (as of 12 pm) is 16 degrees Farenheit. The windchill is bringing it down to -10 degrees with blasts up to 30 mph. In other words, as my husband says, its brass monkey cold out there. Technically the phrase is “It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey,” but my husband prefers to use his own phrase because mentioning male anatomy paaaaaaaaaarts.

I knew there was a reason I loved this character.

Because mornings are for coffee and contemplation, and it being Monday, I was perusing my brain files for the subject for today’s Monday’s Martial Madness. And, there it was, slapping me in my teeth with frozen blasts of brass monkey cold, the weather. I don’t know what other styles do about the weather, but we ninja embrace it and make it part of our creep and peep. That’s why no one ever see the ninja coming. But, I digress. This post is really about the Monkey King, Sun Wukong, of Chinese legend.

How’d I get from the weather to the Monkey King, you might ask? If you really wanna know, it goes something like this (actual thoughts): brass monkey cold, hmmm, monkeys, and, and kung fu, I love kung fu movies, and what about that dang monkey king? He’s so funny and annoying in that one movie, with oh, what was his name? Jet Li, and that other kung fu dude, uh, uh, OH! That’s right, Jackie Chan. Monkey King, hmmmmm. Time to find some memes…” It’s possible the wind froze part of my brain.

It wasn’t a bad movie, just not a great movie.

Anywhooooo, this is actually a how to manual: how to keep your you-know-whats in brass monkey weather. It’s pretty clear from legend, and the movies, that the Monkey King is pretty ballsy being so swiftly annoying and in your face all the time. My guess is, he still has his. I’m not gonna check or anything, we’ll just take this one on faith.

Are you asking me if I still have deez brass clankers?

Here’s the best three tips I can come up with, not being a guy and all, to retaining said family jewels, or whatever body part you please, like a bold-as-brass Monkey King.

Numero uno: Grow some fur. Seriously, have you seen the tresses on monkeys that live in cold areas? I’m pretty certain that if you saturate yourself in extra strength Rogaine 24/7 you can get a nice think fur mantle going. I especially recommend an extra smear of Rogaine on the perineum if you plan to spend anytime outside today in the Mid-Atlantic, or anywhere its too cold to breathe.

Awwww, cute baby monkey in the snow.

Numero Dos: Find a nice hot spring somewhere, then just stay there. Yup, that’s it. Sounds nice, right? Yeah, except for the possibility for turning into a prune. I recommend a nice patina of bacon grease on the fur. It’ll keep the water out. Bonus pro tip: You can lick your arms if you get hungry.

I know that’s right!

And, Numero Tres: Make sure to where your furry hat at all times. You know, kind like the Russians where in the frozen tundra? Even in the springs. Science shows that if your head is cold, the rest of you will never warm up. So keep those hats on folks!

🎶I got my fur hat on🎶

That’s it folks! I hope you keep all your body parts today, or any day, of this winter! Have fun out there and remember these three tips.

Yup. Is that sad?
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