Monday’s Martial Madness: How to be a Martial Artist Without Actually Trying

Two weeks ago I was marveling at the amount of bruises I acquired on one arm. Because I skipped a week to go on vacation, I decided you really need a new “how-to” manual. I mean, that’s why I’m here, to tell you how to do things, right?

You need to take me seriously when I’m talking to you.

I once saw a tutorial on how to make bruises from make up because my dear son wanted to look like a zombie fighter who’d escaped a near disaster with zombies. It’s a lot easier than you think to make a realistic looking bruise from just a few colors. I thought to myself, a person could pass themselves off as a martial artist, if they just know a few tricks in how to appear like a martial arts player, without actually trying. Because who really wants to get actual bruises? Once you learn these tips and tricks, you’ll be on your way to having “The Glow“, just like Bruce Leroy in The Last Dragon.

Trick #1: Acquire (Fake) Injuries

The first thing you should know is that martial artists acquire bruises like Minecrafter’s acquire stone to build things. Below are pictorial evidence of my most recent bout of bruises. I had eight total bruises from 2 belt tests, and a seminar. The one of my right hand thumb joint I got from putting someone in a head lock. I must’ve squeezed some bone on my training partners head, but I digress.

If you really want to make some good looking bruises, go to this tutorial for some great make up tips:

Trick #2: Remain Calm, No Matter What

That’s right, you must be so zen, that you can can fall asleep in an F5 tornado. After all, we martial players are trained to stay focused and calm when faced with danger and threat. We practice setting aside fear and anxiety on a daily basis. You, however, can just walk around with a zen face and pretend nothing is happening that disturbs you. Talking about how calm you feel, helps to trick the laypeople into believing you are what you appear to be.

Trick #3: Wear Martial Arts Related Clothing

The more obscure the article of clothing the better. Wanna wear Tapout shirts, but not actually tap anyone out? You can do that. Wanna wear hakama (Japanese highly pleated riding pants) but not actually do anything in them, the internet’s got that covered too. No need to sweat, or tear, or stain your clothes with the blood of your enemies. Just walk around town and everyone will tag you as a martial artist.

For $1034 these “hakama” by Pancho and Lilly can be yours…

Trick #4: Put a Sword on Your Wall

You don’t really have to point out a sword hanging on your wall, because it automatically attracts attention and the subsequent assumptions. And, you can avoid spending hundreds, or thousands, of dollars on an actual usable sword by buying the next best thing: a wall-hanger. It’s especially impressive if you buy a movie replica sword with all it’s intricate carvings and such. Heck, if you don’t want to shell out the tens of dollars for a fake one, you can make an even faker one, YouTube has a tutorial just for you:

If you follow these helpful steps, you can look like this guy without lifting a finger:

Best of luck to you!


3 thoughts on “Monday’s Martial Madness: How to be a Martial Artist Without Actually Trying

  1. I thought nunchuks hanging around your neck was a big one, you know like a necklace and foam ones aren’t even that heavy.


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