Monday’s Martial Madness: How to Be Friends with a Ninja, and SURVIVE.

Ninja do as ninja does, but you’d never know it…

Ninja are exceptional creatures. They are world renowned for being the best magical tricksters/spies that seemingly appear out of nowhere, do what needs doing, then vanish mid leap. They don’t make friends easily because of their cat-like qualities of sneaking around and then pouncing on unsuspecting humans.

Humans might unwittingly befriend and ninja not know it, which is just fine with the ninja. After all, their ability to ninja is predicated on secrecy, misdirection, and hiding in plain sight. But what if some random person finds out their friends with a ninja and confronts said terror of the night??

How do they keep their friendship and survive?

That’s a really great question and I’m glad you asked! Because now I’m going to let you in on some little-known, super-secret and other arcane mystical know-how. I present to you:

The Modern Kunoichi’s Guide to Surviving Your Friendship with a Ninja

Ha, ha, ha, well played ninja!

Survival Tip 1: Make Food Offerings

This ninja needs more friends.

Give them pizza. Lotsa, lotsa pizza. After all, pizza is the perfect food: it’s full of carbohydrates for energy, fat for fullness, and pepperoni to build those finely-tuned ninja muscles. As a matter of fact, just always have pizza around, you never know when they’ll sneak in the back window from the fire escape.

Survival Tip #2: Keep the Ninja Puns in Your Head

Ninja be like: I keeeeel you!

Okay, look, we all know ninja are often the butt of many jokes when it comes to martial arts. And that’s okay, the ninja can take it because being underestimated is part of their strategy. But do we really need to perpetuate ninja puns? DO WE? Really, just keep the puns in your head for your own safety.

Survival Tip #3: Secretly Learn Their Ways

If you saw me doing it, then I’m not that great of ninja.

I won’t lie, this is a tough one. First, you have to even know that you’ve befriended a ninja, then you have to watch them carefully without looking like you’re watching them and learn their techniques. Ninja love it when other people take up their art. After all ninja are clannish and often work in groups. Pulling a smoke bomb out your pocket then disappearing will endear you to them forever… and they won’t kill you when you’re not looking.

Let’s face it, pirates are stupid and annoying, ninja are purrrrfect.

And there you go folks! Another definitive and succinct guide to life.

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